A Silent Scream and Songs in the Night

KEEPING THE RULES

I was the screamingest kid you’d ever seen. I screamed in terror over wasps. I screamed excitedly when Dad came home from work. I screamed in full-blown redheaded rage when my older brother ate the last huckleberry off the bush. Whether I was splashing in the ice-cold waves of the Pacific Ocean, playing “Sheep and Wolf” after sunset, or running with the kids from church, it didn’t matter. I just couldn’t hold it in.

Church was one of those places where I knew the rules were uncompromising. I might forget to walk in the house and only have my mother’s sharp warning, but here, I had to contend with the watchful eye of every parent. So I was careful to walk through the sanctuary and listen to the sermons quietly. I was careful to hold in my screams until it was time to go home.

One day all that changed. Terror cried to be let out as my innocence was ripped to shreds. But I choked it down in silence. I must not disobey. I must not scream. This was church, after all.

SCREAMS OF SILENCE

After that, my carefree enthusiasm faltered. Life was not all it appeared to be. I pulled inward, afraid to let out a sound. Terror sought an outlet but smashed into a wall.

And then something snapped. I was a sheltered preschooler raised in a Christian family. I had never been exposed to violence, or anything graphic for that matter. It was too much. My brain took over, stifling screams and suppressing memories in a locked box somewhere beyond my consciousness.

The years passed in the rosy blur of an otherwise uneventful beautiful childhood. Clues popped up here and there that made me wonder why I was different, but for the most part the locked box remained unopened. The trigger didn’t come until much later.

Twenty years later.

And when it did, vivid nightmares merged with reality as a thousand missing pieces fell into place. The frightened little girl of my past was set free, her locked cage revealed as nothing more than a fragile house of cards which unleashed an avalanche of memories. By then, I was a wife and mother of three, but the passing of time did nothing to soften her intrusion. She haunted me with silent screams day and night, an overwhelming cacophony of anguish and pain, frustration and anger, shame and grief.

It physically ached, reverberating in the midst of changing diapers, attending church, and pretending like everything was normal. I longed to bang my head on the wall or run out the front door forever. But I could not escape. It was like a nightmare that didn’t disappear when I woke up. Like a breakdown that went on and on as I wept over that scared little girl finally set free.

Like drowning without a sound.

AGONY IN THE PSALMS

I struggled to see the hand of God in the midst of the storm as waves poured over my head. My feet seemed stuck in slow motion. I was tired of hiding the tears from my family.

From Scripture, I knew that I needed to keep my eyes upon Jesus. I knew, but struggled to lift my head. Providentially around this time, I arrived in the Psalms for my devotions. It wasn’t the first time I’d read through King David’s flowing poetry and parallelism and imprecatory lyrics, but then again, I’d never been on the other side. This time, I managed only a few verses before realizing I could not hide anymore.

Psalm 6:6-10, I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief; it has become old because of all my adversaries.

Psalm 13:1-4, How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.

Psalm 69:1-4, Save me, O God, for the waters have threatened my life. I have sunk in deep mire, and there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and a flood overflows me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; my eyes fail while I wait for my God. Those who hate me without a cause are more than the hairs of my head; those who would destroy me are powerful, being wrongfully my enemies; what I did not steal, I then have to restore.

Here was a man after God’s own heart – a child of God – drowning in the wake of discouragement and depression. Chapter after chapter, he poured out his own agony which echoed the silent screaming of my heart.

Yet he was unwilling to languish there.

In the midst of deep struggle, the Psalmist persistently redirected his heart back to the One who could rescue him. He refused to lose hope, and I was challenged by his example to do the same. I poured out my heart to God in prayer, wrestling between a shadowed past and a hopeful future. Days and weeks went by, but finally in the midst of the storm, God answered my prayers.

Suddenly Jesus was there, shining out from the midst of the Psalms, words of power fulfilled in His life, death, and resurrection. I discovered that the Psalms were absolutely loaded with prophecies and shadows of Jesus Christ. Notice one of the most emotional verses fulfilled as He hung dying on a cross:

Matthew 27:46, 50, About the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” [Psalm 22:1] And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit.

The cries of my heart are nothing compared to the agony of Jesus Christ as He suffered in my place, enduring horrendous torture and complete abandonment by God the Father. Alone and humiliated, He did not ask for pity but persevered until it was finished. He conquered sin and death for His children, rising victorious from the grave so that He could fulfill King David’s hope – and the hope of all those who believe in Him alone for salvation.

He is a Redeemer (Psalm 19:14), a Deliverer, a Shield and Fortress (Psalm 144:2), a Shelter and Refuge in the time of storm (Psalm 9:9), a Savior (Psalm 17:7)! All those who turn away from their sins and trust in Jesus alone will never know the agony of eternal punishment and separation from God.

The towering waves of a violent storm had overwhelmed me. But it was Jesus who took hold of me through the beauty of the Psalms and reminded me that my living hope is in Him. I may not know how long the rain will fall or the darkness last, but it is enough that Jesus holds me fast. It is enough to know that He has conquered everything to ensure my safe passage through this trial and whatever else may come. He will carry me through.

SONGS IN THE NIGHT

Since then, the Psalms have come alive. They provide words of hope when my heart fails. They ease the conflict between being a born-again child of God and wrestling with the past. Rather than inflicting more guilt, the Psalms are saturated with the bright beacon of compassion shining in the person of Jesus Christ.

And in that, they transform my silent screams into songs of praise in the night.

Psalm 30:11-12, You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Psalm 32:7, You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 40:1-3, I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.

10 Favorite Psalm Arrangements to Redirect my Heart:

1.      Psalm 23 – “The Lord Is” 

       Arranged by Bob Kauflin and Pat Sczebel (Sovereign Grace Music)

       For free piano and lead sheet music click here

2.      Psalm 32:7 – “You Are My Hiding Place” 

      Arranged by Michael Ledner and Selah

3.      Psalm 51 – “God,Be Merciful to Me” 

      Arranged by Richard Redhead and Indelible Grace

      For free piano and lead sheet music click here

4.      Psalm 42 – “As the Deer Panteth for the Water” 

      Arranged by Martin Nystrom

5.      Psalm 46 – “A Mighty Fortress” 

      Arranged by Martin Luther 

      For free piano sheet music click here

6.      Psalm 84 – “Better is One Day in Your Courts” 

      Arranged by Matt Redman

7.      Psalm 103 – “Bless the Lord” 

      Arranged by Zach Jones (Sovereign Grace Music)

      For free piano and lead sheet music click here

8.      Psalm 103 – “O Come, My Soul” 

      Arranged by The Psalter 1912

      For free piano sheet music click here 

9.      Psalm 130 – “Out of the Depths” 

      Arranged by Bob Kauflin (Sovereign Grace Music)

      For free piano and lead sheet music click here

10.  Psalm 130 – “From Depths of Woe” 

      Arranged by Indelible Grace

      For free piano and lead sheet music click here

Further Resources:

Read Psalm 139 and meditate on the places where it mentions God’s presence in every detail of His children’s lives, including their darkness (verses 7-12). Also read the despair of Psalm 142 and compare with the hope of Psalm 34.

Calvin, John, Heart Aflame: Daily Readings From Calvin on the Psalms

Journibles: the 17:18 Series, Psalms 1-72, Volume 1

Journibles: the 17:18 Series, Psalms 73-150, Volume 2

Sibbes, Richard, The Bruised Reed

Note: Don't be scared by this ancient Puritan paperback. Sibbes writes very simply and each sentence is like pure gold.

Tripp, Paul David, New Morning Mercies: A Daily Gospel Devotional

Note: All Scripture references are taken from the Updated New American Standard Version of the Holy Bible (NASB).

Public Domain photo credits:

Love – Lisa Runnels

Lost Teddy Bear – George Hodan