As a homeschool mom and
avid reader, I’m surrounded by books from many different genres. In fact, every
room in my house contains books – even our vehicles have books tucked in the
storage compartments behind the seats!
My daughters have followed in my
footsteps as I discovered recently. One of them proudly showed me a flamboyant animal-print
purse big enough to fit a small heifer. “It’s for my books, Mom!” she begged. How
could I say no to that when I have the same standard for my own purse?
But I don’t just read
because I have nothing better to do. I read with a desire to learn and grow, to
glean something beneficial for my mind and soul from its pages. A healthy diet
is often about portion control, and I use the same method with what my mind
consumes.
The Bible is the best example of this and contains a wide array of
literature ranging from history to memoir to judicial to theology to poetry to
proverbs, all of it beneficial to the soul across the ages. Often I’m reading
through several books at the same time, and I secretly love flipping through
picture books in the children’s section of the library just for the artwork and
crazy imaginative stories!
I want my writing to be
like that too. Something that would be helpful to others. Beneficial.
Meaningful. Applicable. Interesting. But broader than any one topic such as
sexual abuse or its affects.
Certainly there’s a time and necessity to talk
about it (and the Bible certainly addresses it!), but I don’t want one topic
from my past to be my identity as a writer. More than anything, I want to
glorify God. Jesus fills my story and He is so much bigger than that event in
my life. I desire my writing to go beyond myself to truly significant topics
drenched with Him. I don’t want to waste this gift.
It’s harder than it
sounds.
THE WALL
Inspiration is a difficult
thing for a writer. Sometimes the words just refuse to flow. Other times ideas
pop up like dandelions, but life is busy. Two, three, and then fifteen days
have passed and I’m left with a trail of scattered scraps of paper throughout
the house that make about as much sense as a message from Mars.
Several months ago, I
found myself at a strange crossroad with my writing. My heart still needs moments
of sorting, and I know that many of you who read my blog are wrestling with many
of the same issues. Triggers still hit me blindside, but I’m learning to
confide in prayer to God and talk to God’s people. I’m learning to live in the
NOW of who I am in Christ and it’s exciting when I learn something new about
Him.
The crossroad happened when I started on my next post in mid-autumn of last
year.
It had been a difficult
year in ministry and family life. Life seemed to intensify as spring merged
into summer, and summer into fall. God faithfully gave me the strength I needed
day by day, and writing continued to be a way for my brain to decompress. But
as time went on, I would sit at the computer excited to begin, my head loaded
with ideas and motivation. I would type a few lines, look up a few connecting Bible
verses … and then, nothing.
Like, absolutely nothing.
I’m not talking about
writer’s block. Writing has been part of how I communicate ever since I was a
child and I know what it feels like to have a rough writing day. Usually I’ll
take a break, go for a walk, get a piece of dark chocolate, or wait another day
or two. But inspiration always returns. Always.
But this time, it was
different. I’ve never felt this completely shut-down before. It was as though
God took my writing ability away. Like I was a different person in the same
body. I had the desire and ideas, but that was it.
And so the days and months
have gone by in silence and increasing discouragement. I’ve thought about you,
my readers. I’ve thought about my heart in the whole thing and wrestled with it
all. I LOVE to write. I LOVE to share what God is teaching me. I LOVE having a
voice after decades of silence. I LOVED that part of me.
But old familiar feelings
of numbness, panic, helplessness, confusion, frustration fill me.
I am silenced.
Lost.
Questions fill my mind. Has
God taken away this gift, or does my brain just need rest? Are my writing
aspirations rooted in unbiblical insecurities? Must I always be placing my
desires and dreams on the shelves of disappointment, half-done, incomplete, to
gather dust? Is God disciplining me for something and I’m missing it? Is this a
sign that I need to wait until I’m older and wiser? Is there something
medically wrong with my lack of concentration and inspiration? Are the
pressures of life and ministry finally taking a toll?
I’ve struggled with
depression my entire life. It is a tremendous weight, and God graciously
removed it as I discovered true freedom in Christ from my past and all its
shame. Several years have passed without this weight and I have been SO excited
to be set free from it.
But lately I’ve been hit by the same darkness I thought God had removed. I know how important
it is to pay attention to the daily demands on my mind, body, and soul. I
realize the ongoing need for vitamin intake, sunshine, exercise, and spiritual
health. But over the past few months, it hit me like a brick wall.
My spirit continues
to live passionately for Jesus Christ while my flesh betrays me with weakness. Sometimes
no matter what I do or don’t do, nothing works and I’m left like William Cowper
crying the name of Jesus in the darkness.
NOT BY SIGHT
With God, there are always
connections, though I can’t always see them right away. I may not understand the
reasons why this is happening, but I
can trust that God is sovereign and good all the time. I cannot remain silent,
for to remain silent is to deny the power of God even in this. Jesus is a
sympathetic High Priest who knows the weaknesses of what it means to be human
(Hebrews 4:15). I have confidence to approach Him with my broken darkness.
The truth is, I’ve prayed
and pleaded like the apostle Paul in 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 that God would
remove this physical depression from me. I refuse to live in its power, for
Christ alone is my identity. But instead of removing it like He did before, my
answer has been “My grace is sufficient
for you, for power is perfected in weakness.”
It’s hard to swallow
sometimes.
I can’t see the road
ahead. Most days, I feel like I’m drowning. Everything in me wants to run away weeping
because I can’t escape it. I’m left the choice to walk by faith, not by sight (2
Cor. 4:16-18). My soul can rest in the promises of Scripture even as my body
wears away.
The bruised reed He does not break, the dim wick He does not extinguish (Isaiah 42:1-3)!
He draws near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18)!
He pursues the runaways and welcomes the prodigals (Jonah 2:6; Luke 15:20)!
He knows me even in the darkness (Psalm 139)!
He gathers the outcasts and heals the brokenhearted (Psalm 147:2-3)!
He is for me; who can be against me? (Romans 8:31-32)
God has poured the treasure of His glory into this broken vessel (2 Cor. 4:7-12),Afflicted, but not crushed;Perplexed, but not despairing;Persecuted, but not forsaken;Struck down, but not destroyed;Dying, yet eternally alive!
He is reserving my inheritance in heaven (1 Peter 1:4)!
My soul is protected by the power of God (1 Peter 1:5)!
He is making all things new (Revelation 21:5)!!
Like a little child
suddenly in the dark when the light goes out, my heart instinctively reaches
out for Jesus – and I discover He’s never let go. I don’t know where my writing
will go this year, but those questions pale in comparison to where God is
taking me.
Psalm 42:8, The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime; and His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life.
I recently discovered this
not-so-new song by Keith & Kristyn Getty called, “The Lord Is My Salvation.”
As a great lover of poetry, especially psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, I
thought I’d share the words with you. If you’re interested in listening to the
song, click HERE.
The grace of God has reached for me,And pulled me from the raging sea.And I am safe on this solid ground:The Lord is my salvation.I will not fear when darkness falls,His strength will help me scale these walls.I’ll see the dawn of the rising sun:The Lord is my salvation.Who is like the Lord our God?Strong to save, faithful in love.My debt is paid and the victory won:The Lord is my salvation.My hope is hidden in the Lord,He flow’rs each promise of His Word.When winter fades, I know Spring will come:The Lord is my salvation.In times of waiting, times of need,When I know loss, when I am weak.I know His grace will renew these days:The Lord is my Salvation.And when I reach my final day,He will not leave me in the grave.But I will rise, He will call me home:The Lord is my salvation.Glory be to God, the Father,Glory be to God, the Son,Glory be to God, the Spirit:The Lord is our salvation.
The Lord Is My Salvation
lyrics © Sony/atv Tree Publishing, Tomdouglasmusic, Capitol Cmg Paragon, Son Of
The Lion
Note:
All Scripture references from the New American Standard Bible (NASB) unless
otherwise noted.
Public Domain Photo Credits:
Words-Letters-Book – Circe
Denyer
