Confessions of a Broken Sparrow: April 2018

TAKING ON ANOTHER IDENTITY

Anthony Stark. Dr. Henry Pym. Robert, Earl of Huntington. Po. Don Diego de la Vega. Cliff Secord. Steve Rogers. Dr. Robert Banner. Luke Charles. Bob and Helen Parr. Natasha Romanoff. Peter Parker. Logan Howlett. Charles Xavier. Erik Lensherr. Elsa of Arendelle.

Most of these names probably mean nothing to you, unless you happen to enjoy stories involving superheroes and fairy tales. But perhaps you have heard of their real identities. Iron Man. Ant Man. Robin Hood. Kung Fu Panda. Zorro. The Rocketeer. Captain America. The Hulk. Black Panther. Mr. & Mrs. Incredible. Black Widow. Spiderman. Wolverine. Professor X. Magneto. The Snow Queen.

The whole idea of creating an alter ego that gives some semblance of normality while concealing the truth to the outside world is as old as time itself. When circumstances happen beyond our control, suddenly we realize that we are not enough, and hiding behind a mask of self-protection becomes the easiest choice.

As a kid, I had a vivid imagination and often pretended to be a medieval warrior named Cephas who faithfully rescued my younger sisters from the bad guys. A large remnant of flowing orange fabric easily doubled as a cape or gown, and the woods beside the house were our enchanted forest. I easily merged into my character, escaping into realms of mythological creatures, talking trees, and good triumphing over evil.

The problem was when it carried over into real life.

From a young age, I felt broken. The pain was real and destructive. I couldn’t understand the onslaught of emotions. I felt like I had no excuse for brokenness, but the bombardment of side effects had to be dealt with somehow. Naturally, the Superhero Complex saved the day. It was too easy to slip on a mask and pretend to be someone else. Someone normal and confident. Someone who didn’t fight nightmares or violent reactions to fear and the unknown.

Later I realized this Superhero Complex is not limited to those who’ve gone through childhood sexual abuse. It is a common theme for those who experience warfare, abuse of any sort, accidents, pain, situations gone wrong, polluted relationships, and terror – which pretty much includes every person on the planet.

In his song “Mansion”, Christian hip-hop artist Nathan John Feuerstein (more commonly known as NF) describes the struggle of living behind a mask as he compares it to an empty mansion. Consider a few of the words he wrote:

So this part of my house, no one’s been in it for years

I built the safe room and I don’t let no one in there

‘Cause if I do, there’s a chance that they might disappear and not come back

And I admit, I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside

So I just leave my doors locked

You might get other doors to open but this door’s not

‘Cause I don’t want you to have the opportunity to hurt me

And I’ll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me

I’m barricaded inside, so stop watching

I’m not coming to the door, so stop knocking, stop knocking

I’m trapped in here, God keeps saying I’m not locked in

I chose this, I am lost in my own conscience

I know that shutting the wall down ain’t solving the problem

But I didn’t build this house because I thought it would solve ‘em

I built it because I thought that it was safer in there

But it’s not, I’m not the only thing that’s living in here

Fear came to my house years ago, I let him in

Maybe that’s the problem ‘cause I’ve been dealing with this ever since

I thought that he would leave, but it’s obvious he never did

He must have picked the room and got comfortable and settled in

Now I’m in the position, it’s either sit here and let him win

Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can

‘Cause in order to do that I’d have to open the doors

Is that me or the fear talking? I don’t know anymore

Oh yeah, it’s lonely inside this mansion.*

Pain and suffering and trying to make sense of it all can be overwhelming. This often creates a mask which numbs the torment of Who I Really Am and shoves Who I Wish I Was to stand in its place until something – anything – starts to make sense.

But for many, that day never comes. Over time, brokenness grows worse. The mask becomes stronger and thicker as the pain grows and triggers increase. Numbing the pain can no longer be done by sheer willpower and often a person turns to artificial means to cope. This is the endless cycle of drug addiction, drunkenness, sexual sin, and self-inflicted pain. Of hiding behind work, music, external appearances, social media, and busyness.

In the beginning, the mask is only intended as a shield of control until the wound heals and everything goes back to normal. But instead, the mask becomes a prison and Who I Really Am shrivels up inside like a zombie, alive yet not really living.

Of course, no one tells you that. No one talks about how exhausting it is trying to maintain different identities. Or how suppressing emotion in the name of Self-Protection also suppresses the good stuff like love, joy, and peace. Or when you shut doors and move on, you’re also strengthening walls and adding to the baggage. No one tells you that numbing the pain will never make it disappear.

At some point, all of that becomes obvious, at least to the person behind the mask. Eventually Who I Wish I Was is revealed as a façade. But usually there is a response in one of two ways: denial and further hiding in sin, or crying out to God for help.

RIPPING OFF THE MASK

When God initially saved me sometime in my teen years, I thought there wasn’t a whole lot to Christianity besides believing in Jesus and staying on the straight and narrow ever after. I was drawn to being made whole through Christ and receiving joy and peace after years of feeling broken and depressed. I hoped Jesus would take it away and no one would have to know.

As the years went by, feelings of brokenness would not let go. Was I not repenting of my sins enough? Was God punishing me for my failures? Was I even truly saved? I agonized behind the mask, knowing it was a prison yet I was terrified to take it off. It factored into relationships with others and the relationship with my husband. It hampered spiritual growth. But the mask remained firmly in place.

According to Luke 12:2, that’s not how the Gospel works when it says, “There is nothing covered up that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known.” Jesus proclaims His glorious role in this as He “brings good news to the afflicted, binds up the brokenhearted, proclaims liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners” (Isaiah 61:1 and Luke 4:18-21).

God doesn’t hide brokenness. He doesn’t quietly remove shame when we’re not looking. He doesn’t bless us with heights of spiritual growth when we ignore problems, as though He’s part of the Superhero Complex along with us. He hears the silent screams of our heart. He sees the gruesome infection we try to hide. His heart resonates with sympathy at our suffering. But if we are His beloved child, He won’t wait for us to make the first move.

God is both the sovereign Great Physician and a loving heavenly Father. He orchestrates healing for the good of His children. Through the power of His word and the beauty of the Gospel, layer by layer He persists in uncovering brokenness. There are no allowances for masks and coping mechanisms. God glories in exposure, not to further it but rather to heal it with the truth that He is everything we need.

For me, there was nothing quiet or subtle about it. Excruciating pain awakened as years of denial were ripped away. A bleeding heart suddenly exposed. Long suppressed emotions released in an avalanche. Tears flow freely as God’s surgery went on and on and on. It was everything I feared and more, but there was also something I hadn’t anticipated.

PUTTING ON A NEW IDENTITY

Pain and suffering in this sin-cursed world drives wounds deeply into a place of darkness and infection. Masks are like filthy bandages slapped on, more for looks than a solution. But the pain and suffering God brings through facing the past with the light of His word is like a Master Surgeon digging that infection out for the sake of healing. There’s pain and vulnerability, just like before, but it is different in that God is making straight what has grown deformed and crooked.

God destroys the masks with a purging fire, but emerging from the ashes is a weak and bleeding stranger. It’s not Who I Really Am. It’s not Who I Wish I Was. For a brief moment, the stranger seems lost. Who am I now? Where do I go from here?

Thank God, we are not left to ourselves to figure it out.

1 Corinthians 1:26-29, For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God.

Apart from Christ, God sees each sinner as foolish, weak, base, despised nobodies. No mask can fool Him. But that’s the beauty of it all – God has chosen the foolish to shame the wise, and the weak to shame the strong, and the base and despised and the nothings to nullify the things that are. God is in the business of redeeming those corrupted by sin and shame. This is the compassion of God revealed through the Gospel. It’s not about getting a ticket to heaven. It’s about God caring enough about sinners by getting involved in their messy lives.

When God became a man through the person of Jesus, this was God identifying with sinners in their shame and weakness in order to reconcile the bigger brokenness between God and man. When Jesus died on the cross, this was God bearing the weight of sinners’ guilt on His shoulders. When Jesus rose again, this was God’s stamp of approval so that everything necessary to purchase the salvation of His beloved children was indeed paid in full. We live in the time period of God’s grace and mercy that is making all things new through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Salvation through faith in Jesus Christ is about total transformation from the inside out, a new identity which can never be taken away.

2 Corinthians 5:14-15, 17, For the love of Christ controls us, having concluded this, that one died for all, therefore all died; and He died for all, so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died and rose again on their behalf. Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

That’s not to say your story is insignificant. Our stories are very significant and certainly included in the bigger story. Our personalities and gifts don’t change. Our tendencies and habits remain. We will still struggle with ongoing temptation. But the solution to brokenness goes beyond our wisdom and starts with this foundational truth: It’s not about you; it’s all about Jesus Christ.

Galatians 2:20, I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.

The bigger story is about Jesus. Not only is He the answer to the sins we’ve done, but also to the weight of shame related to the sins done to us. He doesn’t leave us as an unidentified stranger standing in the ashes of what used to be Who I Really Am and Who I Wish I Was. He doesn’t erase the personality and desires He has created in us in the first place. Rather, He pulls our focus to a third identity – our true identity – Who I Am in Christ which overshadows everything else.

The pain of Who I Really Am and the façade of Who I Wish I Was are completely different from Who I Am in Christ. In Christ, I am born again, made new, and healed, but there’s also the ongoing reality of living in a sinful world. Who I Used to Be (i.e. the old “Who I Really Am”) constantly fights for its old stomping grounds within. Who I Wish I Was continues to allure with subtle masks. Until the day I die or Jesus returns, there is this ongoing battle to live as Who I Am in Christ. But we are not left empty-handed. God has provided us with a powerful defense through a generous Savior.

1 Corinthians 1:30-31, But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, so that, just as it is written, “Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord.”

PERMANENT POSSESSION

Just as salvation and grace are given as a gift from God, so also the blessings bestowed afterwards. Total transformation takes the rest of a lifetime, but God provides everything necessary to live in the reality of a brand-new identity. Take a few moments and look with me at the five gifts every child of God possesses as listed above (1 Cor. 1:30-31).

WISDOM: I CAN’T DO IT ON MY OWN. In His infinite wisdom, God refuses to let people be saved their own way. He refuses to let them wear a mask. In His infinite wisdom, God designed every aspect of the Redemption Story around Jesus Christ so that no one could boast in their own intellect or willpower. The Gospel seems foolish because Jesus came to save sinners and the nobodies (1 Cor. 1:18). But when a sinner is born again, suddenly the foolishness of the Gospel is revealed as personal, intimate, loving, and sovereignly orchestrated. The wisdom of God is seen on every page of Scripture just as it is slowly seen in every aspect of the lives of His children.

1 Peter 2:9-10, But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; for you once were not a people, but now you are the people of God; you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

RIGHTEOUSNESS: I AM SET FREE. Sinner. That is the identity of all mankind apart from Christ. But when Jesus took the punishment that sinners deserve when He died on the cross, it wasn’t to make salvation available. It was the payment of actual debt. He removed sin from the record of all those He came to save. He cancels their bad record. And instead of a blank slate for us to mess up again, Jesus Christ fills in the slate with His own perfect righteousness which can never be depleted. Our forgiveness and right standing before God is not based on our performance even after being born again, but rather on Christ’s.

Ephesians 4:22-24, In reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit, and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth.

SANCTIFICATION: THE SUPERHERO COMPLEX IS NOT AN OPTION. To purposefully hide behind a mask is a natural response to shame, but for a Christian, the Superhero Complex is another word for unbelief. What God has started in His child, He will accomplish even when darkness attempts to drown the flickering wick. God doesn’t throw His hands up in frustration that so-and-so has messed up again, but He also doesn’t leave His children unrepentant in their sins. He provides the light of His word, the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and fellowship with other Christians as guides for walking in identity in Christ. This is what sanctification is – living in the reality of what Jesus has already accomplished. Our faith will sometimes falter and there will often be need for repentance, but God remains faithful. He does not leave a project half-finished.

Philippians 1:6, For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24, Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.

REDEMPTION: I HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR A VICTIMIZATION MINDSET. The struggle with nightmares, night terrors, and déjà vu’s will continue. Triggers will still flare when least expected. The distractions during prayer and Bible reading will be daily battles. There will be days when the flesh seems stuck on default mode with fight-or-flight reactions. These ever-present attacks of darkness will be the strongest temptation to replace the mask of a victimization mindset. But no abuse no matter how traumatizing is more powerful than redemption by Jesus Christ. To live in a victimization mindset is to deny the powerful work that God has done and is doing. There’s a big difference between “I am a victim of trauma” (identity in self-protection) and “I struggle with the ongoing effects of trauma” (identity in Christ).

1 Corinthians 6:9-11, Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

CONFIDENCE: ROOM FOR BOASTING. We were never created to overpower sin and shame by our own willpower. It is humbling to realize that even though this daily fight against sin and temptation is strong, the battle has already been won. Jesus Christ has secured the victory through His life, death, and resurrection. Through Christ, we have everything necessary to endure to the end based on God’s provision and not our own. God is writing our story and it will be truly glorious because it’s not about us. Because of this, we can hold our head high – no matter our past or ongoing struggles – and boast in a wonderful, merciful Savior!

Romans 8:37-39, But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

CONCLUSION

If you have yet to receive true healing from the Great Physician, Jesus freely extends the invitation to anyone who is broken and weary of this Superhero Complex.

Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Further Resources:

The book of Ephesians is centered on identity in Christ. Reading the entire book in one sitting sounds daunting, but don’t skip this exercise! The first half of Ephesians (chapters 1-3) focuses on the beauty of the Gospel and what God has redeemed us from. The second half (chapters 4-6) lays out what identity in Christ looks like in the ongoing struggle of life in a sinful world.

Bigney, Brad, Gospel Treason: Betraying the Gospel with Hidden Idols

Borgman, Brian and Rob Ventura, Spiritual Warfare: A Biblical and Balanced Perspective

Bridges, Jerry, Who Am I? Identity in Christ

Fitzpatrick, Elyse M., Because He Loves Me: How Christ Transforms Our Daily Life

Getty, Keith and Stuart Townend, “In Christ Alone” hymn

Packer, J. I., Knowing God

Spurgeon, Charles H., Faith’s Checkbook: One-Minute Devotions

Washer, Paul, Knowing the Living God (13-week workbook)

Welch, Edward, Running Scared: Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest

Welch, Edward, Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection

Welch, Edward, When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure,

Codependency, and the Fear of Man