A Silent Scream and Songs in the Night

KEEPING THE RULES

I was the screamingest kid you’d ever seen. I screamed in terror over wasps. I screamed excitedly when Dad came home from work. I screamed in full-blown redheaded rage when my older brother ate the last huckleberry off the bush. Whether I was splashing in the ice-cold waves of the Pacific Ocean, playing “Sheep and Wolf” after sunset, or running with the kids from church, it didn’t matter. I just couldn’t hold it in.

Church was one of those places where I knew the rules were uncompromising. I might forget to walk in the house and only have my mother’s sharp warning, but here, I had to contend with the watchful eye of every parent. So I was careful to walk through the sanctuary and listen to the sermons quietly. I was careful to hold in my screams until it was time to go home.

One day all that changed. Terror cried to be let out as my innocence was ripped to shreds. But I choked it down in silence. I must not disobey. I must not scream. This was church, after all.

SCREAMS OF SILENCE

After that, my carefree enthusiasm faltered. Life was not all it appeared to be. I pulled inward, afraid to let out a sound. Terror sought an outlet but smashed into a wall.

And then something snapped. I was a sheltered preschooler raised in a Christian family. I had never been exposed to violence, or anything graphic for that matter. It was too much. My brain took over, stifling screams and suppressing memories in a locked box somewhere beyond my consciousness.

The years passed in the rosy blur of an otherwise uneventful beautiful childhood. Clues popped up here and there that made me wonder why I was different, but for the most part the locked box remained unopened. The trigger didn’t come until much later.

Twenty years later.

And when it did, vivid nightmares merged with reality as a thousand missing pieces fell into place. The frightened little girl of my past was set free, her locked cage revealed as nothing more than a fragile house of cards which unleashed an avalanche of memories. By then, I was a wife and mother of three, but the passing of time did nothing to soften her intrusion. She haunted me with silent screams day and night, an overwhelming cacophony of anguish and pain, frustration and anger, shame and grief.

It physically ached, reverberating in the midst of changing diapers, attending church, and pretending like everything was normal. I longed to bang my head on the wall or run out the front door forever. But I could not escape. It was like a nightmare that didn’t disappear when I woke up. Like a breakdown that went on and on as I wept over that scared little girl finally set free.

Like drowning without a sound.

AGONY IN THE PSALMS

I struggled to see the hand of God in the midst of the storm as waves poured over my head. My feet seemed stuck in slow motion. I was tired of hiding the tears from my family.

From Scripture, I knew that I needed to keep my eyes upon Jesus. I knew, but struggled to lift my head. Providentially around this time, I arrived in the Psalms for my devotions. It wasn’t the first time I’d read through King David’s flowing poetry and parallelism and imprecatory lyrics, but then again, I’d never been on the other side. This time, I managed only a few verses before realizing I could not hide anymore.

Psalm 6:6-10, I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief; it has become old because of all my adversaries.

Psalm 13:1-4, How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart all the day? How long will my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; enlighten my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my adversaries will rejoice when I am shaken.

Psalm 69:1-4, Save me, O God, for the waters have threatened my life. I have sunk in deep mire, and there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and a flood overflows me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; my eyes fail while I wait for my God. Those who hate me without a cause are more than the hairs of my head; those who would destroy me are powerful, being wrongfully my enemies; what I did not steal, I then have to restore.

Here was a man after God’s own heart – a child of God – drowning in the wake of discouragement and depression. Chapter after chapter, he poured out his own agony which echoed the silent screaming of my heart.

Yet he was unwilling to languish there.

In the midst of deep struggle, the Psalmist persistently redirected his heart back to the One who could rescue him. He refused to lose hope, and I was challenged by his example to do the same. I poured out my heart to God in prayer, wrestling between a shadowed past and a hopeful future. Days and weeks went by, but finally in the midst of the storm, God answered my prayers.

Suddenly Jesus was there, shining out from the midst of the Psalms, words of power fulfilled in His life, death, and resurrection. I discovered that the Psalms were absolutely loaded with prophecies and shadows of Jesus Christ. Notice one of the most emotional verses fulfilled as He hung dying on a cross:

Matthew 27:46, 50, About the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?” [Psalm 22:1] And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit.

The cries of my heart are nothing compared to the agony of Jesus Christ as He suffered in my place, enduring horrendous torture and complete abandonment by God the Father. Alone and humiliated, He did not ask for pity but persevered until it was finished. He conquered sin and death for His children, rising victorious from the grave so that He could fulfill King David’s hope – and the hope of all those who believe in Him alone for salvation.

He is a Redeemer (Psalm 19:14), a Deliverer, a Shield and Fortress (Psalm 144:2), a Shelter and Refuge in the time of storm (Psalm 9:9), a Savior (Psalm 17:7)! All those who turn away from their sins and trust in Jesus alone will never know the agony of eternal punishment and separation from God.

The towering waves of a violent storm had overwhelmed me. But it was Jesus who took hold of me through the beauty of the Psalms and reminded me that my living hope is in Him. I may not know how long the rain will fall or the darkness last, but it is enough that Jesus holds me fast. It is enough to know that He has conquered everything to ensure my safe passage through this trial and whatever else may come. He will carry me through.

SONGS IN THE NIGHT

Since then, the Psalms have come alive. They provide words of hope when my heart fails. They ease the conflict between being a born-again child of God and wrestling with the past. Rather than inflicting more guilt, the Psalms are saturated with the bright beacon of compassion shining in the person of Jesus Christ.

And in that, they transform my silent screams into songs of praise in the night.

Psalm 30:11-12, You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, that my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

Psalm 32:7, You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 40:1-3, I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.

10 Favorite Psalm Arrangements to Redirect my Heart:

1.      Psalm 23 – “The Lord Is” 

       Arranged by Bob Kauflin and Pat Sczebel (Sovereign Grace Music)

       For free piano and lead sheet music click here

2.      Psalm 32:7 – “You Are My Hiding Place” 

      Arranged by Michael Ledner and Selah

3.      Psalm 51 – “God,Be Merciful to Me” 

      Arranged by Richard Redhead and Indelible Grace

      For free piano and lead sheet music click here

4.      Psalm 42 – “As the Deer Panteth for the Water” 

      Arranged by Martin Nystrom

5.      Psalm 46 – “A Mighty Fortress” 

      Arranged by Martin Luther 

      For free piano sheet music click here

6.      Psalm 84 – “Better is One Day in Your Courts” 

      Arranged by Matt Redman

7.      Psalm 103 – “Bless the Lord” 

      Arranged by Zach Jones (Sovereign Grace Music)

      For free piano and lead sheet music click here

8.      Psalm 103 – “O Come, My Soul” 

      Arranged by The Psalter 1912

      For free piano sheet music click here 

9.      Psalm 130 – “Out of the Depths” 

      Arranged by Bob Kauflin (Sovereign Grace Music)

      For free piano and lead sheet music click here

10.  Psalm 130 – “From Depths of Woe” 

      Arranged by Indelible Grace

      For free piano and lead sheet music click here

Further Resources:

Read Psalm 139 and meditate on the places where it mentions God’s presence in every detail of His children’s lives, including their darkness (verses 7-12). Also read the despair of Psalm 142 and compare with the hope of Psalm 34.

Calvin, John, Heart Aflame: Daily Readings From Calvin on the Psalms

Journibles: the 17:18 Series, Psalms 1-72, Volume 1

Journibles: the 17:18 Series, Psalms 73-150, Volume 2

Sibbes, Richard, The Bruised Reed

Note: Don't be scared by this ancient Puritan paperback. Sibbes writes very simply and each sentence is like pure gold.

Tripp, Paul David, New Morning Mercies: A Daily Gospel Devotional

Note: All Scripture references are taken from the Updated New American Standard Version of the Holy Bible (NASB).

Public Domain photo credits:

Love – Lisa Runnels

Lost Teddy Bear – George Hodan

The Sparrows and God’s Love toward the Nobodies

Small. Drab. Commonplace. Easily overlooked and forgotten. Quietly picking up the pieces left behind by the bright, the outgoing, the popular and memorable.

Sparrows are nothing like the majestic soaring bald eagles which often brings cries of excitement from those who happen to see one overhead. Sparrows aren’t the main attraction in the latest bird calendars or the aviary section in the zoo. They have no unique features to set them apart like the diligence of an Emperor penguin or the dance of colorful birds-of-paradise.

In fact, no matter where you go around the world, sparrows can be seen on six out of seven continents in varieties such as the Dead Sea sparrow of Turkey, the Kordofan sparrow of Chad, the Saxaul sparrow of central Asia, the Great Sparrow of Kenya, the Plain-backed sparrow of Burma, and the Russet sparrow of Japan, to name only a few. Even here in the USA, house sparrows are easily recognized as they hop through busy parking lots and scavenge for crumbs under backyard feeders.

In Bible times, sparrows were nothing, the least of the least. One sparrow by itself was basically worthless, and even then, it took two to be worth a single copper penny. For two pennies, you could buy-four-get-one-free. Sparrows were nothing more than a food delicacy to be killed, roasted, and consumed. They were the nobodies among the 500 million migratory birds which passed through the Fertile Crescent region of the Middle East, the most common of birds among such beauties as the black stork and the little green bee-eater.

Insignificant. Worthless except in being used for the physical needs of the strong(er). Plain and invisible. If one disappeared – even died – would it matter? Would anyone notice or care? Do they play a part in the bigger scheme of life besides a consumable entity?

I look at the sparrows and immediately feel a connection. As a child, I was surrounded by the love of my family and church on the outside. But that love could not erase deep feelings of worthlessness and insignificance on the inside which grew in ever-widening concentric waves. Even after God mercifully saved me, those feelings constantly fought for a handhold.

I don’t remember when I first started to notice the sparrows. As a young girl, I was fascinated by their freedom as they soared in a blue sky away from the cares of the world below – and I longed for what they had. My bedroom faced the backyard where Mom kept a birdfeeder all winter long. Blue-jays, scarlet cardinals, and bandit-faced cedar waxwings squabbled over piles of pinecones smeared with peanut butter, berry bushes laden with snow, and the overflowing birdfeeder hanging nearby. But it was the sparrows in the shadows that always drew my attention. Somehow they survived the winter as though something – or Someone – was looking out for them.

The older I got, the more changes in life triggered deep anxiety and fear. New locations, new relationships, the whole idea of turning over a new leaf presented a confident façade. But old insecurities inevitably resurfaced and failure shoved me back into the shadows yet again.

Often in my lowest moments no matter where I moved or what chapter of life I found myself in, the sparrows were always there, pulling me to look for meaning in the bigger message of their existence found in the pages of Scripture. They were not content to let me wallow in the mire of insignificance.

Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?         Matthew 6:26 (NASB)

Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.            Matthew 10:29-31 (NASB)

Notice the transition in these verses from “Creator” to “heavenly Father”. The sparrows testify of the astounding care of God for all His creation – including a general care for human beings. But God has provided more than our daily needs. He has also provided salvation from sins and adoption as His beloved children through Jesus Christ!

How can this be? Why would God choose to care for me? Doesn’t He see what I am? Doesn’t He see that I’m nothing? Love explodes with meaning when we realize this has never stopped God from caring for the sparrows.

1 Corinthians 1:26-31 (NASB), For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world  and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are, so that no man may boast before God.

But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption, so that, just as it is written, “Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord.”

I love the wording of these verses. The foolish, the weak, the “bottom of the barrel”, the despised, the nothings – we know what it’s like to be rejected. We know what it’s like to be filled with shame and pull back into the shadows. But what power in God’s love that chooses me just as I am – and graciously transforms me into His beloved child!

1 John 4:19 (NASB) declares, We love, because He first loved us.

Just as sparrows are commonly in every corner of the world, so too are the weak and ordinary, the fearful and nobodies. The hope of the Gospel answers our universal need, and it is for anyone from every tongue, tribe, and nation (Rev. 5:9-10) who desires to be set free from their worthlessness and shame. And because of Jesus Christ, those children of God are valuable. They become wise. Righteous. A work in progress. Redeemed. Beautiful.

Look at yourself through the eyes of the truth. If you have been changed by the power of the Holy Spirit and your faith is in Jesus Christ, you are a child of God. No longer are we general objects of mercy, but specific objects of grace. Because we are God’s child, there is a special loving care shown toward us by our heavenly Father, even more than His tender care of the lowly sparrow. “Do not fear,” He tells us. “You are more valuable than many sparrows.” (Matthew 10:31, NASB)

Our value is based on our relationship with Him – and in that value, we have no reason to fear. Jesus Christ has done everything necessary for sinners to be adopted by God. He has paid it all. Will He not also give us everything we need for this life? As Matthew 6:32-33 (NASB) says, For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. When we realize our true value in the eyes of God, anxiety will be replaced with child-like trust.

In the past, Civilla Martin’s song “His Eye is On the Sparrow” has been very popular – not for its tune, not for the beauty of sparrow imagery, but because anxiety and discouragement and feelings of worthlessness are all emotions everyone can relate to. Her words declare the cry of every heart, and then dramatically remind us of God’s care as our heavenly Father. Linked to the version sung by the group Selah, this hymn is one of my favorites. I hope it blesses you too!

His Eye is On the Sparrow

Words by Civilla D. Martin

Music by Charles H. Gabriel

Why should I feel discouraged? Why should the shadows come?

Why should my heart feel lonely and long for heaven and home,

When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender words I hear;

And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubt and fear.

Though by the path He leadeth but one step I may see:

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,

When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,

I draw the closer to Him; from care He sets me free:

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Chorus:            So I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free;

                        For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Further Resources:

Read Matthew 6:19-34 and focus on the fatherly way God addresses the anxiety behind each of our greatest human needs – possessions (verses 19-24), food and clothing (verses 25-26, 28-31), length of life (verses 27), and the future (verses 32-34). Meditate on Ephesians 1 and 2 which declares the beauty of our value through Jesus Christ.

Borgman, Brian, Feelings and Faith: Cultivating Godly Emotions in the Christian Life, Crossway Books, 2009.

Bridges, Jerry, Who Am I? Identity in Christ, Cruciform Press, 2012.

Fitzpatrick, Elyse, Because He Loves Me: How Christ Transforms Our Daily Life, Crossway, 2008.

Horton, Michael, Ordinary: Sustainable Faith in a Radical, Restless World, Zondervan, 2014.

Welch, Edward, Running Scared: Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest, New Growth Press, 2007.

Welch, Edward, Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection, New Growth Press, 2012.

Public Domain sparrow photo credits:

Sparrow on a Log – Kevin Phillips

House Sparrow on the Fence – George Hodan

House Sparrow – Lynn Greyling

“If God is Good” – The Cry of the Innocent

WHY DO THE INNOCENT SUFFER?

Looking around, I realize I’m not the only person suffering for the sins of someone else. Children starving and helpless. Women brutalized during warfare. The weak kidnapped and enslaved in human trafficking. Civilians caught in the crossfire of gang wars. Government-ordered mass genocides. Drunk drivers stumbling away from fatal car accidents. Domestic violence and incest. Abortion of unborn children. Normal people stricken with debilitating cancer. Foster children juggled from one home to the next. The list goes on and on.

As a child, I knew all about stranger danger, but who would have thought the danger was in someone I regularly saw. Even when God mercifully saved me at fifteen years old, the long-term repercussions of sexual abuse in my childhood would not let me rest. I could not run away from it. I could not pretend it never happened. I could not drown it out with escape mechanisms. What had I done to deserve its iron grasp?

My heart echoes the cry of all those who’ve experienced unwarranted suffering: How does God reconcile abuse? If God is just, why should one person be forced to bear the consequences of another’s sin? If God is merciful, why does it hurt so much? If God is sovereign, why did He allow it to happen at all? How could God be good?   

        

THE ANSWER TO SUFFERING

Interestingly, I find the Bible filled with story after story of men and women who also wrestled through these questions. For example, consider the story found in Luke 24:13-35.

Two people left Jerusalem traveling west after the Passover feast. Sadness consumed them as they struggled under a thousand unanswered questions. If God is just, why did an innocent Man have to bear the consequences of something He doesn’t deserve? If God is merciful, why did it hurt so much? If God is sovereign, why did He allow it to happen at all? How could God be good? Where was hope to be found now that the Redeemer was dead?

They didn’t know what to do except return home and try to move on. But as they walked toward Emmaus seven miles away, a stranger joined them, asking, “What are these words that you are exchanging with one another as you are walking?” 

Cleopas who was one of the travelers replied, “Are You the only one visiting Jerusalem and unaware of the things which have happened here in these days?”

But the Stranger didn’t miss a beat. “What things?” He asked.

The two travelers looked at one another in amazement. Was this stranger blind and deaf? Had he slept through the past thirty-six hours of city upheaval? “The things about Jesus the Nazarene," they said. "A prophet mighty in deed and word in the sight of God and all the people, and how the chief priests and our rulers delivered Him to the sentence of death, and crucified Him.” 

Tears welled up at the injustice of it all. They had followed this Man, even believed in Him. “We were hoping it was He who was going to redeem Israel,” they said brokenly. “Besides all this, it is the third day since these things happened. But also some women among us amazed us. When they were at the tomb early in the morning, and did not find His body, they came, saying that they had also seen a vision of angels who said that He was alive. Some of those who were with us went to the tomb and found it just exactly as the women had said; but Him they did not see.”

All morning, rumors had been rampant. Some said He was alive; others said the body had been stolen. They didn’t know what to believe, especially since they hadn’t seen the risen Christ themselves (if He really had risen). No one knew what was going on; nothing made sense. Now that the Passover was finished and Jesus’s whereabouts questionable, there was nothing left to do but return home overwhelmed with grief.

The Stranger listened to their disappointment, quietly allowing them spill the wrestling of their heart. But instead of justifying their response, He rebuked them for their unbelief – then empowered their faith.

Beginning with Moses and with all the prophets, He explained to them the things concerning Jesus in all the Scriptures (v. 27). Only after revealing God’s bigger picture did the Stranger reveal His true identity as Jesus Himself.

“Were not our hearts burning within us while He was speaking to us on the road, while He was explaining the Scriptures to us?!” the two travelers exclaimed afterwards. Their sorrow had vanished. Immediately they got up and returned to Jerusalem, proclaiming the hope which Jesus had given them. 

SLASHING THE "IF"

And so Jesus does for us.

In the midst of suffering, it is often overwhelming. Some say this, others say that. Emotions take control as we look desperately for solutions to escape the pain. But Jesus refuses to let His children wallow in disappointment and hopelessness. He answers our suffering with compassion, patiently listening to the wrestling of our hearts.

But He is unwilling to leave us there.

Like His dealings with the two travelers on the road to Emmaus, Jesus shows us the bigger picture by His Holy Spirit and the word of God. God never condones sin. As a good Judge, He must punish sin. Through Moses and the 10 commandments, He shows us our complete inability to maintain the perfect standard God requires (Rom. 3:10-12, 23). He takes us to the prophets who call sinners to turn away from their sins and be reconciled to their Creator (Rom. 9:25-26). He reveals the grace of God in the person and work of Jesus Christ who has accomplished everything necessary for the salvation of His children (Gal. 4:4-7). He shows us His power over all things – past, present, and future – and gives His Holy Spirit to those He has redeemed as a guarantor of His promises (Eph. 1:3-14).

From our perspective in the window of one lifetime, it is difficult to reconcile the pain and suffering we see around us with God’s goodness. But this is where Jesus becomes the bigger picture. He has done everything necessary to accomplish salvation of sinners. We are living in the time of God’s patience and redemption. There will come a day – a final Day of Judgment – when those who continue to reject Jesus will be held accountable for their sin, including abuse of the innocent. Until then, God has impartially given everyone a window of opportunity to repent.

Romans 2:4, Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?

I may not understand the “whys” or “how’s”. There will still be times of deep valleys and mountain-high waves. Things may go from bad to worse. But just because things don’t always happen how I want them to doesn’t mean God isn’t good. Just because people are suffering all around the world doesn’t mean God isn’t in control of all circumstances.

There is a bigger plan at work here than the finite choices of people – He has proven that time and again throughout my life. I have experienced the love of God in a deeper way because suffering has drawn me closer to Christ who suffered for me. The same God who designed every detail of creation is the same God at work in my heart and life as His new creation (Rom. 8:28). He has done – and is doing – everything necessary to redeem His beloved children. God’s plan is bigger and more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

God is so good. There is no “if”.

1 Peter 4:12-14, 19, Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation.

If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you.

Therefore, those also who suffer according to the will of God shall entrust their souls to a faithful Creator in doing what is right.

Further Resources:

Bible study – Read Hebrews 11 and 12:1-3. Notice these real-life examples and their stories of walking by faith in the midst of difficult circumstances. These people were placed in the bigger story of redemption for our benefit so that we would look to God as they did and not lose heart. 

It is also helpful to meditate on Isaiah 53, Psalm 139, and Psalm 103.

Fitzpatrick, Elyse, Because He Loves Me: How Christ Transforms Our Daily Life, Crossway, 2008.

Foxe, John, The New Foxe’s Book of Martyrs, Bridge-Logos Publishers, 1997.

Lewis, C. S., The Problem of Pain, The Macmillan Company, 1962.

Piper, John and Taylor, Justin, Suffering and the Sovereignty of God, Crossway Books, 2006.

Tada, Joni Eareckson, A Place of Healing: Wrestling with the Mysteries of Suffering, Pain, and God’s Sovereignty, David Cook, 2010.

Tozer, A. W., The Attributes of God: A Journey into the Father’s Heart, Christian Publications, 1997.