Confessions of a Broken Sparrow: January 2019

When I was seventeen years old, I traveled to a foreign country in the Caribbean for two weeks as a nanny. I didn’t know the language, except for a few words here and there. I didn’t understand the culture, except when I committed faux pas. Formal attire was required for birthday parties and church services, something I was unprepared for when I arrived. I didn’t wear make-up, which communicated poverty. I worked a job in the States rather than attend college like my peers, which communicated ignorance.

Many people in this foreign country knew English, but quickly reverted to their native tongue even in front of me, not realizing that I could understand the gist of what they were saying. Their body language communicated so much more than they could ever say. I had unintentionally offended several people and never felt so alone in my entire life. Halfway through the trip, I couldn’t wait to go home again.

Even before I traveled to another country, I battled deep loneliness. Some would label me an introvert, and being alone didn’t always mean I was lonely. But there were also times when I experienced deep yearning for companionship and mutual understanding, a kindred spirit who understood my idiosyncrasies.

Attaining this was a different story. The more I tried to be like everyone else, the more obvious it was that I was failing. My struggle to trust people compounded the problem, often leading to superficial conversations and acquaintance-level relationships. I struggled to know how to be a true friend because I had so few of them.

Now as I journey through life, there is a frustrating tension between wanting meaningful human interaction – and discouragement by the attempt. Moving frequently around the country meant constantly starting over, which was hard for someone who didn’t make friends easily. I slid into rote responses to the same questions. It was easy to pretend to be someone I wasn’t because relationships never lasted long anyway.

But it was desperately lonely because no one truly knew me.

I thought marrying my best friend would curb loneliness. But providentially, the man I married is completely opposite me in so many ways, providing many opportunities for misunderstandings. My husband’s calling as a pastor led us to live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, which has its own set of difficulties as the everlasting outsiders. There’s also the loneliness of being a pastor’s wife and a home school mom in a culture which automatically attributes negative connotations to both.

Several times a day, I catch myself checking social media accounts because of loneliness. I cringe when the phone rings, yet sigh when the only caller for days is my husband or a salesman. I often exhaust myself trying to ease the pain with intentional busyness.

You and a billion other people could easily add your struggles to mine as we cope with loneliness through escape, denial, pretension, addictions, work, food, and a thousand other ways.

LONELINESS ELIXIR

Many people think the solution to loneliness is simply a change of circumstances. I just need to be friendlier, maybe take a class or read a book on How to Win Friends and Influence People. I should move to another town and start over. I need to learn the language better so I can communicate with people more effectively. My hair needs a different style. I need a better job so I can be popular and treat my friends to dinner. I need a better soulmate than the one I’ve got. I need to be more active in the community. I need a better church with friendlier small groups.

The list goes on and on, and there is a real sense of satisfaction when we do receive the affirmation we desire. But the satisfaction quickly dissolves into exhaustion because no matter who we are or what we do, loneliness cannot be eliminated.

Loneliness hits those who’ve experienced persecution, survived a traumatic event, or gone through the horrors of war or imprisonment.

Loneliness is felt acutely in blindness, paralysis, being deaf or hard-of-hearing, immigration, or entering or retiring from the armed forces.

Loneliness thrives in orphans, foster care, single-child homes and multiple-child homes, marriage, divorce, abuse, infertility, home bound, and dysfunctional families.

Loneliness is found in homelessness, contagious diseases, racism, betrayal, physical deformity, and shame by association.

Loneliness haunts both male and female, rich and poor, Christian and unbeliever.

As many lonely people discover, changing the circumstances has little to do with the remedy. Loneliness is crying for something deeper than anything this world can offer and often found hand-in-hand with restlessness, which is a relentless cycle of pursuing things that cannot satisfy.

Interestingly, the solution to both is found in the same place.

In his poem “The Pulley”, George Herbert (1593-1633) writes about this deeper restlessness as a gift intended to drive us to God:

When God first made man

Having a glass of blessings standing by;

“Let us,” said He, “Pour on him all We can:

Let the world’s riches, which dispersed lie,

Contract into a span.”

So strength first made a way;

Then beauty flowed, then wisdom, honor, pleasure;

When almost all was out, God made a stay,

Perceiving that alone of all His treasure

Rest in the bottom lay.

“For if I should,” said He,

“Bestow this jewel also on my creature,

He would adore my gifts instead of Me,

And rest in Nature, not the God of Nature:

So both should losers be.

“Yet let him keep the rest,

But keep them with repining restlessness:

Let him be rich and weary, that at least,

If goodness lead him not, yet weariness

May toss him to My breast.”

Ever since Adam and Eve replaced a deep, meaningful relationship with their Creator with the polluted water of their own way, every generation afterwards has followed suit. God never left humanity to flounder on its own, yet this is precisely what we fight to attain.

We stubbornly idolize relationships, popularity, and my desires first. We escape pain through every outlet available, clamping our hands over our ears as the solution is proclaimed over and over and over from every corner of creation. We pursue a change of circumstances and better ways to win friends, rather than pursuing true satisfaction in restoration to our Creator.

Throughout the Old Testament, God drew near to His people through types and shadows of manna in the wilderness and water from the rock, of an unshakeable Rock of safety and a compassionate Father. Through the prophets, all the dots connect to knowing – and being known by – God.

Isaiah 55:1-3a says, “Ho! Every one who thirsts, come to the waters; and you who have no money come, buy and eat. Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and delight yourself in abundance. Incline your ear and come to Me.”

But instead, both the nation Israel and all humanity frustrated themselves pursuing satisfaction in things that were never designed to satisfy. Because of the depravity of sin and active forces of evil, everyone possesses this zombie-like fixation on everything but God. They became hardened and bitter as the years passed, trampling His law and murdering His prophets. As Jeremiah 17:13b says, “They have forsaken the fountain of living water, even the Lord.”

And God allowed people to rebel against Him for a while, but He was not content to let it continue indefinitely. Finally, it was time to do the one thing necessary.

UNTO US A CHILD IS GIVEN

The types and shadows came together in the form of a child as God Himself crossed the gulf between holy God and sinful man for the sake of our salvation. Through Jesus Christ, God experienced sorrows and human frailty as a Man.

He chose to be born as someone so insignificant that there was nowhere for His mother to give birth except the unsanitary confines of a shelter for animals. As a child, Jesus learned His adopted father’s trade as a blue-collar carpenter – and the social and religious elite of His day never let Him forget it. Throughout His ministry, He was often uninvited, misunderstood, taken advantage of, and ignored.

He knew what it meant to be alone.

Isaiah 53:3-4 describes it best:

He was despised and forsaken of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

Jesus entered our sinking ship, but it was more than merely understanding what we’re going through. Jesus drew near as “God with us” (Immanuel), the Champion who came to restore the deep, meaningful relationship with the Creator that every soul had been longing for.

But a spiritually dead person cannot truly appreciate rescue. They feel the waves. They hear the wind. They know the terror of having no firm foothold, but they are utterly helpless to take hold of this Champion on their own.

Before Jesus arrived on earth, God had done everything to lead sinners to Himself, except change their hearts. We could not draw near to God because of our sin, so God drew near to us in order to remove it.

Jesus endured suffering and loneliness in our place, even to death on a cross, so that we would never have to experience true abandonment from Him. You can hear His agony as Jesus bore the weight of what sinners deserved, including real and literal abandonment from God, as He cried out, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matthew 27:46)

But there is relief as Christ rose from the dead, triumphing over sin and death in order to give eternal life to all those who trust in Him. It is this same compassion that draws near to sinners in order to rescue them. It is this same power that gives them faith to believe even as their eyes are opened to see Him (2 Cor. 4:6).

Through regeneration, suddenly a person sees the mountainous waves and dire situation, how the flotsam they’d clung to was actually dragging them day by day into the depths of depravity. As they see things around them in the light of Christ, it dawns on them that the only thing which has kept them from perishing thus far is the love of a mighty Champion who holds them fast in His strong, nail-pierced hands (Rom. 5:6-11).

Jesus is exactly what our hearts are searching for. He knows us more intimately than any person could. He loves us more deeply than we could ever know. Everything in our life is sovereignly orchestrated for our good, to draw us closer to Him even when it hurts. But He is not just another remedy for loneliness.

The reality is, knowing Christ is the difference between being alive vs. being dead; being able to see vs. being blind; being able to run and dance vs. being paralyzed for life. Jesus Christ is so satisfying that even when loneliness increases, it is rendered insignificant in the joy of knowing Him.

LOSING FOR THE SAKE OF GAINING

For most of my life, I waited for loneliness to disappear. Moving constantly didn’t help. Getting a raise at work went toward car insurance and braces. Marriage and having children involved greater responsibilities and isolation. Planning play dates, making phone calls, and writing letters became discouraging. Even after God mercifully saved me, loneliness remained.

But in recent years, God has shown me that my priorities were upside-down. I had been trying to eliminate the pain of loneliness, rather than realizing that I needed something greater to eclipse it.

Think of loneliness like hunger. It’s real. It’s painful at times. It happens to everyone. But in and of itself, it is not a bad thing. God designed both hunger and loneliness to remind of us of human frailty and legitimate need. We need to eat to live, and we were never made to be alone. Both hunger and loneliness are God-given red flags that something isn’t right.

Following Christ can be very lonely at times, even when our soul is at rest in Him (Mark 8:34-38). In the beginning, Adam and Eve walked and talked with God as a man talks to his friend. But because of sin, that intimacy was broken. Through Christ, much of that intimacy has been restored through the Holy Spirit. But physically, Jesus is still separated from His people and we haven’t received a glorified body unaffected by sin yet. And there is real loneliness, even godly restlessness, that won’t disappear until we are reunited with Christ.

Rather than fighting loneliness, it should be a reminder of our frailty and dependence on God and cause us to desperately run to Him yet again. It is often in these times that God gives us special measures of joy in Christ that literally surpasses the loneliness we feel.

One of the biggest tendencies with loneliness is to make myself feel better, even slip into the comfortable zone of self-pity. I can still hear the taunting rhyme of my childhood peers chanting,

“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me.

I guess I’ll eat some worms.

Long, skinny red ones; short, fat, and juicy ones –

Oh, how they squiggle and squirm!”

But it’s not about me anymore. When God saves a person, He also provides several means of grace, including Bible reading, prayer, the Lord’s Table, and fellowship with His people. These were never intended as magic erasers of struggle, but rather motivators to look to Christ.

Loneliness is an ongoing part of life, but we are not alone. No matter what we have lost in relationships, no matter our struggles, we gain so much more as adopted children in the family of God (Eph. 4:14-16).

Because of broken relationships and trust issues in my past, it took me forever to realize this. Sure, we had Jesus in common, but I was just fine attending church and serving in the nursery as long as I didn’t have to get real with anyone. But I was literally missing out on fellowship with Christ by avoiding meaningful relationships with His people.

I confess it’s messy and uncomfortable most of the time. Christians still struggle with selfishness and taking advantage of one another. But there’s something different in the family of God. There’s the Gospel, which includes reconciliation, forgiveness, and looking to Christ again and again and again.

When my marriage is difficult and I feel misunderstood once more, I’m reminded to look to Christ who loves me faithfully, and love my husband because of it.

When my children are embarrassing or hurt my feelings, I’m reminded to look to God who nurtures and disciplines me for my good, and care for them because of it.

When relationships are hard and I’m uninvited yet again, I must look to Christ who truly understands and loves me, and keep reaching out with the joy of His love.

When I’ve gone through traumatic events that not all Christians can relate to and their insensitivity pushes me away, I must run to Christ who bears my shame and keep Him as the main thing that unites me to the family of God.

When I’m in the midst of difficult circumstance I can’t escape from, I can pray to a heavenly Father who will never leave me and meditate on Christ who endured difficult circumstances for my sake.

It’s a life-long process of filling ourselves with Christ and overflowing in love for others, not the other way around. Only then will loneliness be overcome with longing for more of Jesus as we look forward to the day of His return.

Psalm 42:11, Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.

One of my favorite hymns is Elizabeth Prentiss’s hymn, “More Love to Thee” (click here to hear it!). It captures the lesson intended from loneliness, and I leave you with these words:

More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!

Hear Thou the prayer I make on bended knee;

This is my earnest plea: More love, O Christ, to Thee;

More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Once earthly joy I craved, sought peace and rest;

Now Thee alone I seek, give what is best;

This all my prayer shall be: More love, O Christ, to Thee;

More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Let sorrow do its work, come grief or pain;

Sweet are Thy messengers, sweet their refrain,

When they can sing with me: More love, O Christ, to Thee;

More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Then shall my latest breath whisper Thy praise;

This be the parting cry my heart shall raise;

This still its prayer shall be: More love, O Christ, to Thee;

More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

FURTHER BIBLE STUDY:

Read Psalm 139. This is one of the most powerful Psalms in combating loneliness with the truth that God is with me. No matter where I am or how distressing my circumstances, I can be reassured of God’s care through what Jesus Christ has done for me.

Also read Ephesians 1:3-14 and notice the beautiful overflowing of God’s love for us as it relates to our relationship with Him.

BIOGRAPHIES:

Anderson, Courtney, To the Golden Shore: The Life of Adoniram Judson

Cook, Faith, Lady Jane Grey: Nine Day Queen of England

Dengler, Sandy, John Bunyan: Writer of Pilgrim’s Progress

Foxe, John and The Voice of the Martyrs, Foxe: Voices of the Martyrs

James, Sharon, My Heart in His Hands: Ann Judson of Burma

Piper, John, 21 Servants of Sovereign Joy: Faithful, Flawed, and Fruitful

Rose, Darlene Diebler, Evidence Not Seen: A Woman's Miraculous Faith in the Jungles of World War II

Ten Boom, Corrie, The Hiding Place

BIBLE STUDY HELPS:

Journibles by Reformation Heritage Press