Over the past couple weeks, I read the book, True Betrayal: 9 Steps for Processing Your Spouse’s Infidelity by Brad Hambrick (published by New Growth Press, ©2025). I initially read this book for two reasons: 1) To review as a possibility for our church library; and 2) To be better equipped to help others and deal with betrayal that hits every marriage in various degrees.
The book has many good points, and its structure is designed for small groups, which is very helpful. I appreciated the detailed 9-Step program that sympathized with the agony of marital betrayal and pursues reconciliation in a God-honoring way despite sexual infidelity. The 9 Steps are summarized as: preparing oneself to face betrayal and suffering from a Christian worldview, acknowledging the history and realness of suffering, understanding the impact of suffering, making sense of the suffering story, mourning over sin and receiving God’s comfort, learning my gospel story, identifying goals to fight the impact of suffering, persevering in new normal, and stewarding life for God’s glory. Two sections are included at the end of the book, one for G4 leaders on leading this topic and the other for talking with children about sexual sin in the family.
The biggest problem with this book is its lack of emphasis on the sufficiency of Scripture and God as the starting point for healing the situation and changing sinners. One of the largest themes in the Bible is the picture of marriage in the reality of the gospel and the Lord’s relationship with sinners who frequently betray their Creator and one another. The Old Testament uses the example of marital infidelity to describe Israel’s broken covenant and adulterous relationship against the Lord with sin and pagan idolatry, and the New Testament shows the solution which brings sinners to God through reconciliation, forgiveness, salvation, and love through Jesus Christ, the faithful Husband of God’s people.
These themes should be emphasized with someone who’s experienced betrayal in marriage. They need reassurance that their feelings are normal, that they’re not crazy, that they’re not alone and can safely process the betrayal with other Christians, but it needs to go further into restored reassurance of identity in Christ, reality of truth according to God’s word, and understanding the Bible’s sufficiency for the entire situation.
In True Betrayal, these themes are referred to but never really expounded on. Overall, the Bible seems to be supportive of the author’s counsel, not the other way around. The Bible is referenced in each chapter, especially in Steps 4-6, but not every usage is contextually applied, and most of the book processes betrayal according to steps or False Love, a G4 study for the adulterer. Restoring trust in God and connections to Jesus and the gospel aren’t addressed until the middle of the book.
For example, on p. 57, “You should have as much hope as your spouse is honest.” This quote is part of the benefits of disclosure and measuring the hope of a marriage. The author claims that the power of God is “not an effective gauge” but rather the honesty of a spouse. He continues on p. 60 that the basis of increased closeness is truth between the spouses. Certainly, truth is important for increased closeness, but the basis of closeness is truth through Jesus Christ, and a personal relationship with Him. P. 61 says, “A full disclosure provides a substantive foundation for your spouse to engage in the process of marital restoration.” Though full disclosure is an indication of humble repentance, the foundation must be greater than a person’s actions. The “substantive foundation” must be God’s word and the Spirit’s work through repentance and faith in both the one betrayed and the traitor. Full disclosure is obviously a desired result.
The author gives a confusing view of God in our suffering on p. 133, “You will be able to receive the compassion and comfort God has wanted to provide but was hindered by your suffering story.” I agree that vulnerability to the Lord exposes shame and guilt, and Jesus is a compassionate Savior who heals the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit. I agree that fear can keep us in bondage to shame, but God’s compassion and comfort is not dependent on our vulnerability. He sovereignly works in circumstances to draw us to Himself. He’s not “hindered” by anything we feel or do.
P. 153: “But God is the ultimate gentleman, honoring us at every stage of our journey…All God desires of us is faithfulness.” It’s true that when we’re grieving, we’re in a lot of pain, and unable to think clearly sometimes. Small tasks can be overwhelming, and shame can be so heavy. The Lord is the Good Shepherd who walks slowly for suffering sheep, as the author noted, but God also gives supernatural strength when we suffer. He binds up their wounds and restores the joy of their salvation. We aren’t honored at every stage of our journey. Rather, God treasures us, and He’s honored at every stage as He works all things for our good and His glory.
The more I read this book, the more I felt like I was being manipulated to play mind games with myself and my spouse. On p. 178, “Repetition is a key difference between merely passing a theology quiz and embracing a new narrative.” The article “a” allows for other key differences, but faith isn’t mentioned at all. Repetition might get you in a calmer mental state and establish good habits, but it can also subtly replace the Lord as our refuge. Telling yourself truth over and over will help you believe it, but anyone could do the same with a lie. We must embrace Jesus Christ as our identity, not a new narrative, and apply His word to our hearts in heart-searching, intentional ways, not merely repetition. When a person is drowning emotionally, repetition can be helpful through Scripture memorization and prayer, but repetition is not helpful as self-help mantras.
The author continues on p. 178, “Embracing a redemptive narrative for your life is more than simply naming lies and articulating corresponding truths. It’s about resting in the new truths you’ve come to understand and muffling the lies that echo in our mind.” And how would we do that if there’s little mention of resting in Jesus, trusting in the Lord with all our heart, filtering everything through the objective word of God, etc.? The feelings of betrayal erupt at the hardest times, and no matter how much you rest in truth and muffle lies, your efforts are nothing without the presence of Jesus Christ and the armor of God to resist the devil who fuels the lies. It’s not willpower over lies; it’s Christ over all.
The chapter on trust (p. 200) starts with trust between spouses and reestablishing in better, healthier ways what’s been lost. He goes through 10 stages of trust, timetables and trust, and sex and trust. I would agree that these are crucial topics, and conflicting emotions are a huge part of processing them, but why isn’t trusting God the basis for reestablishing trust patterns with a spouse? “By the end of the progression [of trust], your marriage should be as intimate (if not more) than it has ever been…If you communicate well, your enjoyment of sex will return” (p. 205). And what if you have the best communication in the world, yet sexual enjoyment doesn’t return? Deeper struggles with trusting God in these areas must be addressed, yet the chapter is silent, though there’s plenty of validating conflicting emotions with some Scriptural principles thrown in as “how to’s.” This would be discouraging for someone who may be following the “steps” as a recipe for success.
I was interested in reading the appendix on talking to children about sexual sin in their parents or family members because this is important for a family’s hope and healing. P. 252, “The biggest damage that has been done is undermining the child’s sense of security at home and definition of love.” I would agree that damage has been done, but how does the Bible repair the damage? The goals are addressed, as are the do’s and don’t’s of what to say. Having a plan, dealing with the emotional maturity of children, how to talk with various ages of children is explained, even walking through the conversation with adult children is included, but this section falls short. Where is the hope of the gospel? How can parents answer the deepest questions of a child, not just “address those deepest questions”? How can the sinning parent reconcile with a child, not just acknowledge their emotions and give them time?
On a positive note, the book does an excellent job referring the reader (and group members) to local churches for fellowship and accountability, rather than staying primarily in “True Betrayal” groups. It’s clear that identity is bigger than a broken marriage, and the body of Christ can provide balanced help and hope in the Christian life.
Overall, the book wasn’t unhelpful if you’re looking for some practical tips to walk through betrayal in marriage, but it fell flat because the Bible wasn’t foundational to the counseling format. It put all the secondary practical helps as the foundation, and the foundation of Scripture as the secondary help. True hope for betrayal doesn’t start with a 9-step process or better communication with a spouse or acknowledging a suffering story. It starts by connecting Jesus Christ to the situation, redefining “safe place” in Jesus and His word, and reestablishing faith and repentance through His word. Only when we’re stabilized here will the practical helps be profitable, and our suffering stories not overwhelm.
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