L O N E L I N E S S: Alone But Not Forsaken

When I was seventeen years old, I traveled to a foreign country in the Caribbean for two weeks as a nanny. I didn’t know the language, except for a few words here and there. I didn’t understand the culture, except when I committed faux pas. Formal attire was required for birthday parties and church services, something I was unprepared for when I arrived. I didn’t wear make-up, which communicated poverty. I worked a job in the States rather than attend college like my peers, which communicated ignorance.

Many people in this foreign country knew English, but quickly reverted to their native tongue even in front of me, not realizing that I could understand the gist of what they were saying. Their body language communicated so much more than they could ever say. I had unintentionally offended several people and never felt so alone in my entire life. Halfway through the trip, I couldn’t wait to go home again.

Even before I traveled to another country, I battled deep loneliness. Some would label me an introvert, and being alone didn’t always mean I was lonely. But there were also times when I experienced deep yearning for companionship and mutual understanding, a kindred spirit who understood my idiosyncrasies.

Attaining this was a different story. The more I tried to be like everyone else, the more obvious it was that I was failing. My struggle to trust people compounded the problem, often leading to superficial conversations and acquaintance-level relationships. I struggled to know how to be a true friend because I had so few of them.

Now as I journey through life, there is a frustrating tension between wanting meaningful human interaction – and discouragement by the attempt. Moving frequently around the country meant constantly starting over, which was hard for someone who didn’t make friends easily. I slid into rote responses to the same questions. It was easy to pretend to be someone I wasn’t because relationships never lasted long anyway.

But it was desperately lonely because no one truly knew me.

I thought marrying my best friend would curb loneliness. But providentially, the man I married is completely opposite me in so many ways, providing many opportunities for misunderstandings. My husband’s calling as a pastor led us to live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, which has its own set of difficulties as the everlasting outsiders. There’s also the loneliness of being a pastor’s wife and a home school mom in a culture which automatically attributes negative connotations to both.

Several times a day, I catch myself checking social media accounts because of loneliness. I cringe when the phone rings, yet sigh when the only caller for days is my husband or a salesman. I often exhaust myself trying to ease the pain with intentional busyness.

You and a billion other people could easily add your struggles to mine as we cope with loneliness through escape, denial, pretension, addictions, work, food, and a thousand other ways.

LONELINESS ELIXIR

Many people think the solution to loneliness is simply a change of circumstances. I just need to be friendlier, maybe take a class or read a book on How to Win Friends and Influence People. I should move to another town and start over. I need to learn the language better so I can communicate with people more effectively. My hair needs a different style. I need a better job so I can be popular and treat my friends to dinner. I need a better soulmate than the one I’ve got. I need to be more active in the community. I need a better church with friendlier small groups.

The list goes on and on, and there is a real sense of satisfaction when we do receive the affirmation we desire. But the satisfaction quickly dissolves into exhaustion because no matter who we are or what we do, loneliness cannot be eliminated.

Loneliness hits those who’ve experienced persecution, survived a traumatic event, or gone through the horrors of war or imprisonment.

Loneliness is felt acutely in blindness, paralysis, being deaf or hard-of-hearing, immigration, or entering or retiring from the armed forces.

Loneliness thrives in orphans, foster care, single-child homes and multiple-child homes, marriage, divorce, abuse, infertility, home bound, and dysfunctional families.

Loneliness is found in homelessness, contagious diseases, racism, betrayal, physical deformity, and shame by association.

Loneliness haunts both male and female, rich and poor, Christian and unbeliever.

As many lonely people discover, changing the circumstances has little to do with the remedy. Loneliness is crying for something deeper than anything this world can offer and often found hand-in-hand with restlessness, which is a relentless cycle of pursuing things that cannot satisfy.

Interestingly, the solution to both is found in the same place.

In his poem “The Pulley”, George Herbert (1593-1633) writes about this deeper restlessness as a gift intended to drive us to God:

When God first made man

Having a glass of blessings standing by;

“Let us,” said He, “Pour on him all We can:

Let the world’s riches, which dispersed lie,

Contract into a span.”

So strength first made a way;

Then beauty flowed, then wisdom, honor, pleasure;

When almost all was out, God made a stay,

Perceiving that alone of all His treasure

Rest in the bottom lay.

“For if I should,” said He,

“Bestow this jewel also on my creature,

He would adore my gifts instead of Me,

And rest in Nature, not the God of Nature:

So both should losers be.

“Yet let him keep the rest,

But keep them with repining restlessness:

Let him be rich and weary, that at least,

If goodness lead him not, yet weariness

May toss him to My breast.”

Ever since Adam and Eve replaced a deep, meaningful relationship with their Creator with the polluted water of their own way, every generation afterwards has followed suit. God never left humanity to flounder on its own, yet this is precisely what we fight to attain.

We stubbornly idolize relationships, popularity, and my desires first. We escape pain through every outlet available, clamping our hands over our ears as the solution is proclaimed over and over and over from every corner of creation. We pursue a change of circumstances and better ways to win friends, rather than pursuing true satisfaction in restoration to our Creator.

Throughout the Old Testament, God drew near to His people through types and shadows of manna in the wilderness and water from the rock, of an unshakeable Rock of safety and a compassionate Father. Through the prophets, all the dots connect to knowing – and being known by – God.

Isaiah 55:1-3a says, “Ho! Every one who thirsts, come to the waters; and you who have no money come, buy and eat. Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and delight yourself in abundance. Incline your ear and come to Me.”

But instead, both the nation Israel and all humanity frustrated themselves pursuing satisfaction in things that were never designed to satisfy. Because of the depravity of sin and active forces of evil, everyone possesses this zombie-like fixation on everything but God. They became hardened and bitter as the years passed, trampling His law and murdering His prophets. As Jeremiah 17:13b says, “They have forsaken the fountain of living water, even the Lord.”

And God allowed people to rebel against Him for a while, but He was not content to let it continue indefinitely. Finally, it was time to do the one thing necessary.

UNTO US A CHILD IS GIVEN

The types and shadows came together in the form of a child as God Himself crossed the gulf between holy God and sinful man for the sake of our salvation. Through Jesus Christ, God experienced sorrows and human frailty as a Man. 

He chose to be born as someone so insignificant that there was nowhere for His mother to give birth except the unsanitary confines of a shelter for animals. As a child, Jesus learned His adopted father’s trade as a blue-collar carpenter – and the social and religious elite of His day never let Him forget it. Throughout His ministry, He was often uninvited, misunderstood, taken advantage of, and ignored.

He knew what it meant to be alone.

Isaiah 53:3-4 describes it best:

He was despised and forsaken of men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted.

Jesus entered our sinking ship, but it was more than merely understanding what we’re going through. Jesus drew near as “God with us” (Immanuel), the Champion who came to restore the deep, meaningful relationship with the Creator that every soul had been longing for.

But a spiritually dead person cannot truly appreciate rescue. They feel the waves. They hear the wind. They know the terror of having no firm foothold, but they are utterly helpless to take hold of this Champion on their own.

Before Jesus arrived on earth, God had done everything to lead sinners to Himself, except change their hearts. We could not draw near to God because of our sin, so God drew near to us in order to remove it.

Jesus endured suffering and loneliness in our place, even to death on a cross, so that we would never have to experience true abandonment from Him. You can hear His agony as Jesus bore the weight of what sinners deserved, including real and literal abandonment from God, as He cried out, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?” (Matthew 27:46)

But there is relief as Christ rose from the dead, triumphing over sin and death in order to give eternal life to all those who trust in Him. It is this same compassion that draws near to sinners in order to rescue them. It is this same power that gives them faith to believe even as their eyes are opened to see Him (2 Cor. 4:6).

Through regeneration, suddenly a person sees the mountainous waves and dire situation, how the flotsam they’d clung to was actually dragging them day by day into the depths of depravity. As they see things around them in the light of Christ, it dawns on them that the only thing which has kept them from perishing thus far is the love of a mighty Champion who holds them fast in His strong, nail-pierced hands (Rom. 5:6-11).

Jesus is exactly what our hearts are searching for. He knows us more intimately than any person could. He loves us more deeply than we could ever know. Everything in our life is sovereignly orchestrated for our good, to draw us closer to Him even when it hurts. But He is not just another remedy for loneliness.

The reality is, knowing Christ is the difference between being alive vs. being dead; being able to see vs. being blind; being able to run and dance vs. being paralyzed for life. Jesus Christ is so satisfying that even when loneliness increases, it is rendered insignificant in the joy of knowing Him.

LOSING FOR THE SAKE OF GAINING

For most of my life, I waited for loneliness to disappear. Moving constantly didn’t help. Getting a raise at work went toward car insurance and braces. Marriage and having children involved greater responsibilities and isolation. Planning play dates, making phone calls, and writing letters became discouraging. Even after God mercifully saved me, loneliness remained.

But in recent years, God has shown me that my priorities were upside-down. I had been trying to eliminate the pain of loneliness, rather than realizing that I needed something greater to eclipse it.

Think of loneliness like hunger. It’s real. It’s painful at times. It happens to everyone. But in and of itself, it is not a bad thing. God designed both hunger and loneliness to remind of us of human frailty and legitimate need. We need to eat to live, and we were never made to be alone. Both hunger and loneliness are God-given red flags that something isn’t right.

Following Christ can be very lonely at times, even when our soul is at rest in Him (Mark 8:34-38). In the beginning, Adam and Eve walked and talked with God as a man talks to his friend. But because of sin, that intimacy was broken. Through Christ, much of that intimacy has been restored through the Holy Spirit. But physically, Jesus is still separated from His people and we haven’t received a glorified body unaffected by sin yet. And there is real loneliness, even godly restlessness, that won’t disappear until we are reunited with Christ.

Rather than fighting loneliness, it should be a reminder of our frailty and dependence on God and cause us to desperately run to Him yet again. It is often in these times that God gives us special measures of joy in Christ that literally surpasses the loneliness we feel.

One of the biggest tendencies with loneliness is to make myself feel better, even slip into the comfortable zone of self-pity. I can still hear the taunting rhyme of my childhood peers chanting,

“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me.

I guess I’ll eat some worms.

Long, skinny red ones; short, fat, and juicy ones –

Oh, how they squiggle and squirm!”

But it’s not about me anymore. When God saves a person, He also provides several means of grace, including Bible reading, prayer, the Lord’s Table, and fellowship with His people. These were never intended as magic erasers of struggle, but rather motivators to look to Christ.

Loneliness is an ongoing part of life, but we are not alone. No matter what we have lost in relationships, no matter our struggles, we gain so much more as adopted children in the family of God (Eph. 4:14-16). 

Because of broken relationships and trust issues in my past, it took me forever to realize this. Sure, we had Jesus in common, but I was just fine attending church and serving in the nursery as long as I didn’t have to get real with anyone. But I was literally missing out on fellowship with Christ by avoiding meaningful relationships with His people.

I confess it’s messy and uncomfortable most of the time. Christians still struggle with selfishness and taking advantage of one another. But there’s something different in the family of God. There’s the Gospel, which includes reconciliation, forgiveness, and looking to Christ again and again and again.

When my marriage is difficult and I feel misunderstood once more, I’m reminded to look to Christ who loves me faithfully, and love my husband because of it.

When my children are embarrassing or hurt my feelings, I’m reminded to look to God who nurtures and disciplines me for my good, and care for them because of it. 

When relationships are hard and I’m uninvited yet again, I must look to Christ who truly understands and loves me, and keep reaching out with the joy of His love.

When I’ve gone through traumatic events that not all Christians can relate to and their insensitivity pushes me away, I must run to Christ who bears my shame and keep Him as the main thing that unites me to the family of God.

When I’m in the midst of difficult circumstance I can’t escape from, I can pray to a heavenly Father who will never leave me and meditate on Christ who endured difficult circumstances for my sake.

It’s a life-long process of filling ourselves with Christ and overflowing in love for others, not the other way around. Only then will loneliness be overcome with longing for more of Jesus as we look forward to the day of His return.

Psalm 42:11, Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God.

One of my favorite hymns is Elizabeth Prentiss’s hymn, “More Love to Thee” (click here to hear it!). It captures the lesson intended from loneliness, and I leave you with these words:

More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!

Hear Thou the prayer I make on bended knee;

This is my earnest plea: More love, O Christ, to Thee;

More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

   

Once earthly joy I craved, sought peace and rest;

Now Thee alone I seek, give what is best;

This all my prayer shall be: More love, O Christ, to Thee;

More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

   

Let sorrow do its work, come grief or pain;

Sweet are Thy messengers, sweet their refrain,

When they can sing with me: More love, O Christ, to Thee;

More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

Then shall my latest breath whisper Thy praise;

This be the parting cry my heart shall raise;

This still its prayer shall be: More love, O Christ, to Thee;

More love to Thee, more love to Thee!

FURTHER BIBLE STUDY:

Read Psalm 139. This is one of the most powerful Psalms in combating loneliness with the truth that God is with me. No matter where I am or how distressing my circumstances, I can be reassured of God’s care through what Jesus Christ has done for me.

Also read Ephesians 1:3-14 and notice the beautiful overflowing of God’s love for us as it relates to our relationship with Him.

BIOGRAPHIES:

Anderson, Courtney, To the Golden Shore: The Life of Adoniram Judson

Cook, Faith, Lady Jane Grey: Nine Day Queen of England

Dengler, Sandy, John Bunyan: Writer of Pilgrim’s Progress

Foxe, John and The Voice of the Martyrs, Foxe: Voices of the Martyrs

James, Sharon, My Heart in His Hands: Ann Judson of Burma

Piper, John, 21 Servants of Sovereign Joy: Faithful, Flawed, and Fruitful

Rose, Darlene Diebler, Evidence Not Seen: A Woman's Miraculous Faith in the Jungles of World War II

Ten Boom, Corrie, The Hiding Place

BIBLE STUDY HELPS:

Journibles by Reformation Heritage Press

Knowing the Bible study guide series

Let’s Study the Bible study series

FURTHER RESOURCES:

Bridges, Jerry, The Practice of Godliness

Burroughs, Jeremiah, The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment

McCracken, Brett, Uncomfortable: The Awkward and Essential Challenge of Christian Community

Packer, J. I., Knowing God

Piper, John, Don't Waste Your Life

Piper, John, and Justin Taylor, Suffering and the Sovereignty of God

Priolo, Lou, Pleasing People: How Not to be an “Approval Junkie”

Sibbes, Richard, The Bruised Reed

Welch, Edward, Caring for One Another: 8 Ways to Cultivate Meaningful Relationships

Note: All Scripture references used from the New American Standard Bible (NASB) unless otherwise noted.

“More Love to Thee” by Elizabeth Prentiss, Public Doman hymn, 1856.

Public Domain Photo Credits:

Seashell on Beach – Petr Kratochvil

Woman Alone on Bench – George Hodan

Newborn – Lisa Runnels

Grandpa and Grandchild – George Hodan

Lambs and Wolves: Sexual Abuse in the Church

For the past several years, the whole subject of sexual abuse in the church has been a sensitive topic. But there is a need in churches today to take this topic seriously, because the Bible takes this subject seriously.

Scripture addresses the roles of church leaders in protecting their flocks from wolves. It also has a lot to say about the compassion of God toward those who’ve been unjustly mistreated and bruised. 

The story of the Gospel is the story of redemption and healing the broken. Christians are called to live out the Gospel not only in their personal lives, but also within the church. Church leaders are called to reflect Christ in a unique way as guardians and shepherds as they disciple the congregation, enforce protection, and address sin within the church. This includes protecting the innocent, whether those involved have been accused of gross sin or claim to be the recipients of it.

Due to the nature of the authority structure God has place in the church and the complexities of church discipline, it’s not always a cut-and-dry procedure. The Bible contains the basic structure of gospel-centered confrontation, restoration, repentance, excommunication, and true healing, as well as the underlying principles of love and compassion that must be involved every step of the way. But for me to outline how it should be done would be overstepping my role as a woman in the church and communicate oversimplification on a topic which requires much prayer, humility, and discernment.

God has given more wisdom to many pastors who have traveled this road already. This short post is simply intended to provide a brief list of resources as a springboard in aiding this discussion without overstepping the biblical boundaries.

RESOURCES ON DEALING WITH SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE CHURCH

Bible Study:

Church Discipline - Matthew 18; 1 Corinthians 5-6; Galatians 6:1-5; James 4:4-10, 5:16-20

Elder and Deacon Qualifications – Acts 20:28-31a; 1 Timothy 3; Titus 1:5-16

Repentance – 2 Corinthians 7:9-10; Hebrews 12:6-11; 2 Thessalonians 3:14-15

Safeguarding the Church:

G. R. A. C. E. (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment) – www.netgrace.org
Hammett, John, Those Who Must Give an Account: A Study of Church Membership and Church Discipline

Merkle, Benjamin L., 40 Questions About Elders and Deacons

Piper, John, Brothers, We are not Professionals: A Plea to Pastors for Radical Ministry

Reju, Deepak, On Guard: Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse in the Church

Tchividjan, Basle, The Child Safeguarding Policy Guide for Churches and Ministries

Tripp, Paul David, Dangerous Calling: Confronting the Unique Challenges of Pastoral Ministry

Church Life:

Blackburn, Earl M., Jesus Loves the Church and So Should You: Studies in Biblical Churchmanship

Dever, Mark, and Jamie Dunlop, The Compelling Community: Where God’s Power Makes a Church Attractive

Mack, Wayne A., and David Swavely, Life in the Father’s House: A Member’s Guide to the Local Church

Marshall, Colin, and Tony Paine, The Trellis and the Vine: The Ministry Mind-Set that Changes Everything

McCracken, Brett, Uncomfortable: The Awkward and Essential Challenge of Christian Community

Rainer, Thom, I am a Church Member: Discovering the Attitude that Makes All the Difference

Biblical Counseling:

MacDonald, James, Christ-Centered Biblical Counseling: Changing Lives with God’s Changeless Truths

Pink, A.W., The Nature of God

Shaw, Mark, The Heart of Addiction: A Biblical Perspective

Tripp, Paul David, Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands: People in Need of Change Helping People in Need of Change

Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC)

Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (CCEF)

The Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship (IBCD)

Dealing with Abuse:

Holcomb, Justin, Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault

Nicewander, Sue, and Maria Brookins, Treasures in the Ashes: Our Journey Home from the Ruins of Sexual Abuse

Powlison, David, Making All Things New: Restoring Joy to the Sexually Broken

Viars, Stephen, Putting Your Past in Its Place: Moving Forward in Freedom and Forgiveness

(Spanish edition of Putting Your Past in Its Place)

Welch, Edward, Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection

Wilkerson, Mike, Redemption: Freed by Jesus from the Idols We Worship and the Wounds We Carry

The Problem with Men

JUDGING A BOOK BY ITS COVER

Men. The word triggers conflicting emotions. My mind automatically freezes as I struggle to sort prejudice from truth, and truth from experience.

On the one hand, I’ve had positive experiences with my Dad, older brother, and numerous brothers in Christ. My uncles, grandpas, and cousins never did anything to harm me. But all it took was one young man in the context of childhood sexual abuse and my five-year-old mind immediately drew the connection between gender and fear. After that, I was never 100% sure that any man was safe. It was like being hit by a car and knowing better than to play near the road again. Or be near a car, for that matter.

At first, I pushed all men away, including the respectful ones, determined to put up a safe distance so I didn’t get hurt again. But it wasn’t that simple. In pushing men away, I grew up with a skewed perception that no men could not be trusted no matter what they said or did. The more they tried to be friendly, the more I thought they were trying to trick me. As I grew older, I learned to be awkwardly polite, but to be alone with a man was at the top of my list of Top 10 Things to Avoid, along with crocodiles and drowning.

By pushing away truly honorable men, I also pushed away the spheres in which a young woman should naturally feel treasured and safe. I cared about many of them, but was constantly on guard simply because they were men. It was easy to pretend normality in a crowd where I could fake busyness or silently observe from the corner. But if a man’s attention suddenly zeroed in on me for polite chit-chat (as they so often did in the friendly church I grew up in), it took all my willpower not to have a meltdown in front of them (and sometimes willpower wasn’t even enough). It was exhausting, this constant watchfulness for danger, because men existed everywhere I went.

In the meantime, I was starving for male attention and love. I longed to be pursued, but dreaded the moment when a man would. It was like a cyclic nightmare. A word, a gesture of kindness, a smile, and I was over the moon. But let one get too close meant vulnerability, and vulnerability meant exposure and pain. The thought of rejection was too much to bear and my prison of fear grew stronger.

Until one young man saw the challenge and accepted it. He pursued me and loved me even when baby steps of trust took months and years. As my confidence grew, my fear of men retreated to the background. Here was a man who truly loved me despite my quirks. I was so sure that this man would put my fear of men to rest.

But the honeymoon was short and marriage was hard. I discovered I was married to a man who wasn’t perfect, whose love wasn’t enough to cast out my fears. Vulnerability wasn’t easy, and I couldn’t escape into a corner anymore.

For the first few years of our marriage, I struggled as my strong distrust of men returned and marriage triggered things from my past. The old panic reappeared, and with it, shame directed at my beloved husband who had never been part of that chapter. I was falling apart, but I refused to tell my husband anything because I was afraid to lose him. Old patterns of dissociation and pushing people away kept me locked in another reality as I fought to keep the past out of the present.

But I could not truly escape. At night, I had recurring nightmares of being raped, pursued, seduced, and betrayed. I often woke up disoriented which affected my perception of men during the day while fear attacked on so many levels. You never told your husband about the abuse before you got married; if he finds out, he’s going to divorce you for living a lie. You’re deceiving so many people who care about you; no good churchgoer wants to be friends with a hypocrite. Your fears are immature; it’s time to grow up and get over them. You’ve lived this long without telling anyone and survived; what’s a few more years?

It was as though God was making my life miserable on purpose. Like He was trying to tell me something but I was afraid of what it would cost. I had been fostering this fear of men all my life, justifying it because I’d been victimized. But I also knew the damage it was doing. The pain was so great that I found myself fantasizing about being abused again because I thought it would be easier to live with reality than the torment of waiting for the inevitable.

But thank God, He is not content to give up on His children. Thank God, He responds to brokenness by taking initiative and doing something about it, rather than passively waiting for them to accept His terms. In recent years, God has forced me to walk through the fiery furnace, but I have not been alone. He has shown me that the problem is rooted in something much bigger than gender.

MEN ARE NOT THE PROBLEM

I was raised by Christian parents who took the Bible very seriously. I heard the Gospel regularly at church and home. God mercifully saved me when I was around fourteen years old and I was baptized shortly after. But there was an experiential gap.

I never completely trusted God. I could not see Him, but I knew He was real which was unnerving, like a presence I could never escape. I knew what it felt like to be out of control, but no matter how well I tried to organize my life, somehow the circumstances never happened according to my plans. My life felt so unstable and fragile, and I was afraid to love anything or anyone because people were also changing. Constant change fueled the fear that God wasn’t who He said He was. That everything I believed was a lie.

Even so, I was drawn to God, to the fact that everything the Bible said about Him was nothing I’d ever experienced in a male. And it intrigued me. God is not like us.

From Genesis to Revelation and everything in between, God never responded to circumstances like people did. His response was always bigger, His perspective always broader. It was as though He was working on a completely different level at all times. But it was the way He related to people that always made me hesitate in fully trusting Him because my experiences didn’t line up with who He claimed to be.

He is the Creator of all things in this universe (Isa. 45:18). He is the Father of those whom He has caused to be born again (Rom. 8:14-15). He is the Redeemer of souls in bondage to sin (Isa. 47:4). He is the Head of the church, the promised Husband of the bride of Christ (Eph. 5:23).

The problem is when these relationships are distorted in our experience. How I initially responded to men after my abuse is a perfectly natural human response. It’s natural to point the finger at the opposite sex just because there are certain tendencies within genders that emerge. Men are often stronger and see life as one giant competition between the sexes and amongst themselves. Men are wired differently and often take advantage of women and children. Fathers fail, and even provoke the very ones they are supposed to care for and protect. Those of us who’ve experienced freedom from bondage often become enslaved to other manipulators. Husbands don’t consistently love the woman they’ve promised to cherish until death. Many times, men take advantage of those who are weaker, even within the local church.

But when God originally created a good and perfect world, He also created the beauty of male and female gender when He made a perfect Adam and Eve. Moments later, Adam imitates God’s enthusiasm when he says, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” (Genesis 2:23) Adam and Eve’s gender differences were designed to complement one another, not destroy each other. 

But with the first sin came conflict.

Instead of confessing his fault, Adam blame-shifted, saying, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me from the tree, and I ate.” (Genesis 3:12a). Immediately there was a barrier between the sexes. He tried to excuse his actions by throwing his wife under the bus. Ultimately, Adam blamed God who had created them. And by blaming God, he also twisted everything God had revealed Himself to be.

In spite of Adam and Eve’s sin, God’s standards of truth and obedience never changed. There were consequences for their actions, including separation from God. Sin continues to separate every person from the presence of God. Gender is simply one of the systems through which the overflow of the heart is channeled.

Romans 3:10-12, 23 emphasizes this point: As it is written, “There is none righteous, not even one; there is none who understands, there is none who seeks for God; all have turned aside, together they have become useless; there is none who does good, there is not even one.”

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Both men and women abuse children. Men and women murder others. Both rebel against their parents. Both twist the truth and tell lies. Both commit adultery and immorality. Both are selfish and fight for their rights at the expense of others. Both hate God. Both indulge in pornography and human trafficking. Both use His holy name as curse words. Both have hearts full of bitterness, malice, and gossip. Both ignore God’s special day of rest. Both abandon their families. Both steal what doesn’t belong to them. Both ignore what the Bible says. Both are equally deserving of eternal punishment in Hell for their sins.

My problem with men is not their gender. It is rooted in my first-hand fear of evil. I’d tasted it at an age that could not comprehend its darkness, only its effects. I understood the depravity of mankind, but very quickly that good fear of evil morphed into terrified distrust of men. 

Which gradually turned into a distorted fear of God who was also male. 

Which in turn, alienated me from the very relationship my soul needed and longed for.

UNLIKE ANY MAN I’LL EVER KNOW

I was no different than Adam and Eve who blame-shifted rather than holding each other accountable for actual sins. Yes, I had done nothing to deserve abuse, but my good response of fear of evil quickly merged into fear consuming me and judging people based on their gender. It was humbling for me to see how quickly a good thing had slid into a bad thing. My fears needed to be reconciled with the truth.

Whenever the Bible talks about truth, it does so within the scope of the bigger picture. Our shame and guilt are not limited to what we’ve done or had done against us. It also impacts our relationship with our Creator. Even though God compares Himself to male relationships we can relate to, He is not limited to our understanding. God is unlike anyone we will ever know. He is the standard through whom our experiences must be viewed, not the other way around. He is the true Father, Redeemer, and Husband. To know truth starts with having a right understanding of who God is. Only then will our broken experiences start to make sense.

Proverbs 3:5-6, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding [including experience!]. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Romans 11:33-36, Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who became His counselor? Or who has first given to Him that it might be paid back to Him again? For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory forever. Amen.

Who better to show what God is like than God Himself? And yet He had to do it in such a way that would get close to sinners without also consuming them in His wrath. This is exactly what God did. The word of God is truth, and the Word of God became flesh in the person of Jesus Christ who is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6).

John 1:14 says, And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth.

Jesus is God with us, Immanuel. To know what God is like, I cannot compare God to every male sinner I’ve ever known. This is a road of fear. I must look to Christ who is the perfect representative of God because He is fully God. As our perfect representative, He is also a fully male yet sinless human being, and unlike any Man I will ever know.

Even though He is God, Jesus did not wield His power in a macho display of chauvinism, but emptied Himself, becoming a servant of both men and women in order to save them. Out of His love and compassion, Jesus accomplished everything necessary on our behalf through His perfect life, death, and resurrection. 

Out of His holiness and justice, Jesus holds every sinner responsible for their sin. 

Out of His grace and mercy, He offers Himself as their only hope, and changes people from sinners to saints through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

Out of the bigger picture, He does all to the glory of God.

John 3:16, For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

WALKING FORWARD BY WALKING BACKWARDS

Because of Jesus, I have also experienced that God is unlike any man I’ll ever know. When I realized this, I found myself at a crossroad. Throughout my life, my fear of men had distorted how I viewed God, but now I needed to confront my past with the truth of who Christ is and what He’d done for me.

Let me just say that first baby step was the hardest. I didn’t know how it would end. I’d been trying to escape from my past since I was a child, but now I knew God wanted me to turn around and face that nightmare with Him.

So I went to the very beginning. The distorted thinking regarding men had started with my abuser. Because of him, I grew up thinking all men wanted to hurt me. It spread to the way I viewed my father when he didn’t believe me about the abuse, so I couldn’t trust any man in authority to protect me. It spread to the way I viewed other men when my fear pushed away the male companionship I longed for. It idolized my husband to the point where I lived a lie and was more afraid of losing him than giving him the opportunity to show compassion when he discovered the truth. Ultimately, it contaminated my view of God because the tangled mess deceived me into thinking I was too broken for God to love.

I realized the problem was never men. The problem lay deep, even deeper than what had been done to me by men. I’d been afraid of the pain involved in trusting God with my past, just as I’d experienced pain in trusting people. I was afraid He was just like them. And just as I’d feared, the pain came.

But this pain was different. It was the pain of eyes squinting against the brightness of a sunrise after shivering so long in the night. Like growing pains, it had purpose and hope. And joy upon joy, I saw the bigger picture of the truth, that God had always been there in every moment of my life working all things together for my good and not harm.

He was there in the darkness as well as the light. He was there in the pain as well as the joy. People had failed me. People had sinned against me. People came and went. I had been walking in the shadows of fear for so long, focused on surviving circumstances that insisted on being out of my control. But now I saw the bigger picture, the winding path God led me on from place to place, and the lessons He showed me about His character. It was here that I saw once again that it’s not about me. It never has been.

God has always been there. His goodness, mercy, and love never change. Throughout the years, His faithfulness continually focused and re-focused my gaze on Jesus. He knew about my past. He included my story within the scope of His in order to lead me to true comfort in Him. God’s fingerprints are scattered over my entire life and I can trust His orchestration for my future. He is the One in control. And the more I see Him, the more I trust Him.

Now as I look forward, it is freeing to know that my problem with men is so much bigger than gender. God calls both men and women to repent of their sins and believe in Jesus Christ. Through Christ, there is no distinction between male and female in the offer of salvation (Gal. 3:28). Through Christ, gender receives purpose again as brothers and sisters in the greater organism of the church (1 Tim. 5:1-15; Titus 2). Through Christ, the power of fear is overthrown as God’s love proves stronger (1 John 4:18-19).

The problem with man is sin. My problem with men is fear. 

Jesus is the perfect solution to both.

Further Resources:

Read Psalm 118. Notice how the Psalmist focuses his heart on who God is (verses 1-4) before addressing his own fears (verses 5-14). He then redirects those fears to hope in the Savior which God would provide (verses 15-24). The Psalmist ends with a prayer and places his fears in the hands of God who loves him (verses 25-29). Spend a few moments praying this Psalm to God in light of your deepest fears.

Borgman, Brian, Feelings and Faith: Cultivating Godly Emotions in the Christian Life

Bridges, Jerry, Trusting God

Gannon, Pamela, In the Aftermath: Past the Pain of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Holcomb, Justin, Rid of My Disgrace: Hope and Healing for Victims of Sexual Assault

Mack, Wayne, Courage: Fighting Fear with Fear

Packer, J. I., Knowing God

Pink, A. W., The Attributes of God

Viars, Stephen, Putting Your Past in Its Place: Moving Forward in Freedom and Forgiveness

Welch, Edward, Running Scared: Fear, Worry, and the God of Rest

Welch, Edward, Shame Interrupted: How God Lifts the Pain of Worthlessness and Rejection

Note: All Scripture references used from the New American Standard Bible (NASB) unless otherwise noted.

Public Domain Photo Credits:

Man in the Hat – George Hodan

Statue of Man – George Hodan